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Commerce

Lessons from the book The Tipping Point, by Malcolm Gladwell

Manny Vallarino · June 10, 2023 ·

How fully I recommend this book: 6.5/10


Lesson 1: Ideas, products, messages, and behaviors are like viruses.

This may be the origin of the usage of “viral” to describe something that becomes very popular. Gladwell uses the virus analogy throughout the book to explore the “tipping point,” the point at which something begins to spread exponentially.


Lesson 2: The three elements of an epidemic.

  1. The Law of the Few: This is about who spreads the virus. Three types of people are crucial to any epidemic: Connectors (people who are connected to lots of people in different groups), Mavens (people who are experts and are passionate about sharing their expertise), and Salesmen (charismatic people who can affect those around them).
  2. Stickiness Factor: This is about the virus itself. How “sticky” is it? Can it be made stickier?
  3. Power of Context: This is about the context inhabited by the virus. Certain contexts are more conducive than others to the spread of a virus. Tiny contextual adjustments can make a huge difference in something reaching a tipping point.

Lesson 3: In relationships, proximity often trumps similarity.

“We’re friends with people we do things with.”


Lesson 4: What word of mouth actually is.

Word of mouth is not everyone telling everyone about something.

What word of mouth actually is: someone telling a Connector.

Then, the Connector tells all the people they know!

So, word of mouth is mostly accelerated by a few key Connectors, rather than by many people.


Lesson 5: Context can trump convictions.

“It’s possible to be a better person on a clean street than in one littered with trash.”

Gladwell’s research shows this, which surprised me!

Behavior and character are often times a function more of context than of convictions.

E.g.; Removing graffiti from the NYC subway system accelerated the precipitous drop in criminality in the city.


Lesson 6: Social channel capacity

Also known as Dunbar’s number, 150 seems to be the maximum number of genuine social relationships our human brains can maintain.

Military subgroups aim to remain smaller than 150. Same with hunter-gatherer villages.

Even a wildly successful corporation found that exceeding 150 people in a division or production plant often led to disorder and friction, so they now cap their groups at 150 and when the number of employees gets close to exceeding, a new group is created, and so on.


Lesson 7: Communication immunity.

The network effect would suggest that the more people participate in a network (social media, email, etc.), the more valuable the network becomes.

This, however, has a limit.

The more frequent the communication in a network, the more likely it is to create “communication immunity,” meaning that the messages in the network begin to lose importance, and traditional forms of communication, like a face-to-face conversation with a friend, gain more value.

E.g.; Email can texting can be overwhelming, so I have become more immune to those communication networks than to phone calls, which are more scarce and usually more important.


Lesson 7: How gossip is born.

Gossip is the result of a three-step distortion of reality:

  1. Reality is leveled, a process by which all kinds of details that are essential to understanding reality are left out.
  2. Leveled reality is sharpened, a process by which remaining details are made more specific.
  3. Leveled and sharpened reality is assimilated, a process by which the new constructed reality is changed so it can make more “sense” to those spreading the rumor.

Next time I hear any gossip, I will be sure to yell out, “Hey, stop spreading that nasty result of a three-step distortion of reality!”


Lessons from the book Creativity, Inc. by Ed Catmull, Ph.D. (co-founder of Pixar)

Manny Vallarino · March 10, 2023 ·

How fully I recommend this book: 10/10


Lesson 1: Learn to see clearly.

Great visual artists capture what they truly see (shape, color, etc.) before their brain tells them what they’re supposed to see.

The rest of us only capture our broad mental models of what we see, which explains why I still draw people as stick figures.

So: To see clearly, set aside preconceptions.

Or take an art class (it’s in my bucket list).


Lesson 2: Getting the team right is the precursor to getting the project right.

I’ve learned this through experience!

When the team is right for a project, regardless of challenges, the project comes out great, and it’s a joy to work on.

When the team is wrong, not so much.


Lesson 3: Protect the Baby from the Beast.

The Beast is external pressure, and the Baby is a new idea or project.

“Protect new ideas from those who don’t understand that for greatness to emerge, there must be phases of not-so-greatness.”


Lesson 4: Before communicating, take the elevator.

Being a communicator is like taking the elevator from floor to floor in a big building.

Take the elevator and meet each person based on what they need in the moment and how they like to communicate.


Lesson 5: “Always take a chance on better, even if it seems threatening.”

Try to work with or hire people who are smarter than you, because making the work better is more important than fear.

The best leaders know this, and the worst leaders don’t. Let’s strive for the best!


Lesson 6: Quality is the best business plan.

“Quality is a prerequisite and a mindset you must have before you decide what you are setting out to do.”

And it matters more than most other parts of a business plan!


Lesson 7: Be wrong as fast as you can.

Overplanners just take longer to be wrong.

So make a choice and walk the path. It’s better than staying paralyzed. You can’t lose: If you’re right, great, and if you’re wrong, you learn a lot, you didn’t waste time, and you can redirect your efforts.


Lesson 8: Make something you like, and others may like it, too.

Focus on making creative work you’re proud of! If you do, others may like it, too. And if they don’t, you still get to be proud of what you did.


Lesson 9: If you get the story right, the polish isn’t as important.

The HBO series Medici: The Magnificent doesn’t have the greatest visual polish, but the writing and acting are so incredible, that it doesn’t matter.

On the other hand, the last season of the HBO series Game of Thrones has stunning visuals, but inconsistent writing and acting, and it feels off throughout.

Ed Catmull and Pixar got it right with this lesson!


Lesson 10: A lesson from Japanese manufacturing.

Every employee is empowered to find and fix problems.

No one has to ask for permission to take responsibility.


Lesson 11: In creative inspiration, job titles and hierarchy are meaningless.

Yes! Inspiration can come from anywhere. Create environments that allow for it to be shared.


Lesson 12: Seek to understand those who disagree with you.

“There is nothing quite as effective, when it comes to shutting down alternative viewpoints, as being convinced you are right.”


Lesson 13: Potential is more important than current skill-level.

Remember this when hiring.

More importantly: Remember this when evaluating yourself. Where you can be (and how to get there) is more important than where you are now!


Lesson 14: Trust your storytelling instincts.

Toy Story almost didn’t happen because a studio executive gave the Pixar storytellers useless notes that made the story bad, and almost killed the project.

Thankfully, the Pixar storytellers realized that their instincts were right, not that of a studio executive who was great at their job but had zero experience being an artist.


Lesson 15: The good stuff can hide the bad stuff.

The problem with good results is that they can often hide bad processes.

Focus less on outcome, and more on processes. If you get the processes right and maintain clarity in your goals, the results will come.


Lesson 16: Good management takes the long view and cares for their people.

If you are considering working in an environment that encourages or prizes workaholism that costs workers their health: Run!


Lesson 17: “Good notes are specific.”

“I don’t like that piano part” is not a good note.

“The piano part feels a bit slow to me. Is there a way we can give it more movement?” is a good note.

“I’d love for the listener to want to jump out of their seat and dance! How can we make the piano achieve that for us?” is a great note!


Lesson 18: “Good leaders make sure words remain attached to the meanings and ideals they represent.”

The people who most often repeat words like “diversity,” “tolerance,” and “equality” seem to be the people farthest removed from the meanings and ideals of those words.

We can do better! Let’s make sure we honor words and what they’re meant to represent.


Lesson 19: Design your environment to match your work.

As of this writing, I keep my piano right by my bed, with sheet music right on its music rest. This ensures I play every single day, and it’s easy to do so, and I enjoy it. Environment matters, especially when it comes to creativity.


Lessons from the book All About Me!: My Remarkable Life in Show Business, by Mel Brooks

Manny Vallarino · February 15, 2023 ·

How fully I recommend this book: 7/10


Lesson 1: In satire, everything surrounding the comedy has to be real.

In Young Frankenstein (one of my favorite films ever), Mel Brooks shares that, for the comedy to work, the film had to be in black and white, and the costumes, walls, floors, and all else had to be real and true to the original Frankenstein films.

The comedy works because of its real backdrop.


Lesson 2: If you’re a creative producer, use references.

Mel Brooks used references for all of his productions. He used them to give his actors something to aim for, to limit his options in cinematography, and more.

This is not plagiarism. It’s referencing numerous sources, combining them in unique ways, and adding one’s own taste. You know, like human creativity!


Lesson 3: Consider mood and context before asking for a favor.

Mel Brooks shares how he approached a studio executive to request more money for a film production.

Brooks first confirmed with the executive’s secretary and collaborators that he was in a good mood (or not in a bad one!).

Then, he chose not to approach the executive in his office, where he would feel pressured by the studio to say no. He casually asked him in a hallway walking back from lunch, and he got the money!


Lesson 4: When acting in comedy, never play it funny. Play it real.

The best comedy acting is not heightened: It’s real.

Mel Brooks: “When it’s funny, your character doesn’t know it’s funny. You’re just doing your job. The audience knows when it’s funny. But you don’t.”


Lesson 5: “When you parody something, you move the truth sideways.”

This is a perfect description of parody!

I wrote two parodies for my first book of short fiction (in Spanish) titled Bebé azul, and this lesson certainly describes both.


Lesson 6: The talent of a writer.

Mel Brooks: “Every human being has hundreds of separate people living inside his skin. And the talent of a writer is his ability to give them their separate names, identities, personalities, and have them relate to other characters living within him.”


Lesson 7: Seek to make work that lasts.

Mel Brooks left a lucrative TV career to move to Hollywood and make films, because he sensed that, at the time, film work would outlast TV work.

He was right, and he’s left his rich creative contribution for us and future generations, which may mean more than short-term praise or profit.


Lesson 8: If you do your best work and keep doing it, you’ll find your people.

Just by doing his best work, Mel Brooks found meaningful love and friendship.

The work led him away from what wasn’t for him, and toward what was.

Inspiring!


Lesson 9: “First, do it as written. Later you can make it your own.”

Mel Brooks would often say this to comedians he’d write for, and I love this approach! He says, “Without information, there is no joke.” In a good script, the jokes are there and also their required information, so if actors improvise to be funny, important joke and narrative information can be lost.

Also, like in music, “doing it as written” teaches you the foundations of the craft, which then lets you make anything your own.


Lesson 10: “The only test of comedy is laughter.”

If people (it doesn’t have to be everyone) aren’t laughing, then it’s not a comedy, or it’s a comedy that isn’t working for one or many issues that must be tweaked. That’s it!

The lighting, showmanship, charisma, writing, etc. are all secondary to laughter (this is only true in a pure comedy).


Lesson 11: “When making a movie, always strive to create an illusion of reality.”

This applies to all the arts.


Lesson 12: “Show business is ups and downs. We can only hope to get more ups than downs.”


Lesson 13: In American culture, always ask for what you want.

In other cultures, this might be seen as intimidating. In the US, it’s considerate and transparent to be open about what you want, because how can people help you if they don’t know what you want?


Lesson 14: If the storyline doesn’t work, the laughs won’t work.

Or they won’t work as well as they could!

In film, “People can laugh wildly at a movie and then come out and say it wasn’t any good, it was cheap laughter.”

Great comedy films are not just a series of great jokes; they’re great stories with real characters and emotional substance.


Lesson 15: Language is rhythmic, especially in comedy.

Mel Brooks: “As far as I’m concerned, a joke has to end with a rim shot.”

When you write comedy, consider the rhythms and sounds in the words you are choosing. Are they serving the comedy?


Lesson 16: How to deal with notes from people outside the creative process.

Mel Brooks: “Like I’ve said before, as far as movie executives are concerned, always agree with them, but never do a thing they say.”

Hilarious. There may be exceptions to this, of course, but in most cases, people outside the creative process just don’t understand how to actually improve a piece of creative work.


Lesson 17: Protect your art by producing it yourself.

Work with great collaborators, of course! But it’s your vision, and the best way to bring your vision to reality is to produce it yourself.


Lesson 18: Edit out what doesn’t work (even if you love it).

Mel Brooks writes about how he often cut many jokes and moments he loved, because they were not getting a laugh when they should, or they were simply not contributing to the good of the overall film, performance, or project.


Lesson 19: Failure is vital.

Mel Brooks: “Nothing helps you to succeed like failure.” It helps you find reasons for each failure, which will help you achieve future success. It teaches you. And it’s proof that you’re really going for it!


Lessons from the book Paul Simon: The Life, by Robert Hilburn

Manny Vallarino · January 28, 2023 ·

How fully I recommend this book: 9/10


Lesson 1: Art as comfort.

As a creative person, it’s easy to get distracted with the superficial and forget just how comforting and healing our art can be!

Here’s Paul Simon: “I remember times when I was really sad, and I’d sit and play an E chord for a half hour. I wasn’t writing a song. I was just comforting myself with the instrument I loved.”


Lesson 2: Sensitivity is innate, but artistry is earned.

Paul Simon was not a child prodigy. He describes his early work as “crap” and his biographer writes this about it: “There was no twinkle of greatness in any of it.”

Simon was, however, extremely sensitive and easily moved by music and language.

So, he was born sensitive, but he earned his artistry: through learning from his musical father, guitar lessons, singing with his neighbor Art Garfunkel, being in musicals, imitating his favorite songs, and more, over many years.


Lesson 3: Attention as a natural consequence of doing something that warrants it.

Paul Simon on getting attention: “I wanted it to come naturally, by doing something that warranted it, rather than me manipulating people to look at me.”

I love this approach!


Lesson 4: Immerse yourself in the context of what you want to learn.

Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel learned to sing harmony by literally sitting nose to nose, copying each other’s diction, recording themselves, and listening back to keep polishing their vocal blend.

Simon learned songwriting by trying to copy his favorite records.

He learned music production by recording demos and spending hours in recording studios many afternoons as soon as his college classes would end.


Lesson 5: Audiences are different and make a difference.

It’s never a good idea to blame the audience when a performance goes poorly, but it’s good to recognize that the audience is always a factor at play, in any performance with any result.

In folk clubs in the US, Paul Simon found that the audience would often be drinking and making a lot of noise, whereas in Europe and particularly in England, the audience was “actually listening to your songs.”

Hence why so much of his early artistic growth happened in Europe!


Lesson 6: It’s as hard to protect artistry as it is to achieve it.

Beyond earning his artistry, Paul Simon has had to work to protect it: from drugs, fame (which he describes as “bogus”), and all distractions.

“You want people to care about your music, but you don’t want them to interrupt your life.”

He mentions Elvis as someone who started off as a hero and then “turned into a role model you didn’t want to follow,” due to the distracting power of fame and what it did to him.


Lesson 7: Protect the music.

Paul Simon: “I’m not going to let anything bad happen to a piece of work. It’s like your child.”

It’s our job to protect the quality of our work, creative or otherwise.


Lesson 8: A true artist keeps learning!

Paul Simon had already studied his craft for years, written classic songs, and made millions… when he decided to study classical guitar, jazz composition, and vocal technique for better breathing and projection.

Wow! Inspiring, and it explains his extraordinary and multidimensional artistry and body of work.


Lesson 9: Much artistic growth comes from experience and from learning what works.

Paul Simon on developing as a singer: “The real growth comes from experience and learning what kind of songs suit your voice.”

In other words: Go earn experience, and always play to what works best for you. There is no prize for trying to do things you’re not ready or equipped to do!


Lesson 10: External opinions are distractions. It’s your art, so you choose.

Paul Simon mentions how he doesn’t read comments or reviews on his work. “Whether someone is saying you’re a genius or whether they’re saying you’re not, it’s just somebody’s opinion.”

He adds: “When you are writing a song or making a record, you’re the only judge that matters. You can listen to people you trust for their thoughts, but it’s still your decision. The less clutter you allow into the process, the better off you are.”


Lesson 11: Nurture friendships in different areas of interest.

Paul Simon established friendships with people from all of the arts: books, painting, theater, and movies. This has enriched his artistic career and, more importantly, his life!


Lesson 12: Absorb beauty from different cultures.

Paul Simon’s body of work reflects his love for American rock and roll, African harmonies, Brazilian rhythms, Latin American compositions, world literature, and more.

We can all enrich our lives and contributions by absorbing beauty from anywhere, especially if it’s from somewhere unfamiliar.


Lesson 13: “If your awareness of the world is based on pop music, you’re probably not very aware.”

I love this Paul Simon quote so much!

We live in strange times where real issues and pop culture share pixels on the same screens, but it’s important to remember just how disparate they are.


Lesson 14: Love at first sight can happen more than once.

I can also attest to this! But it was cool to read about Paul Simon’s account with it.

People really commit to the whole idea of “the one,” but it’s more like “the few.”

Though I can see why it’s less romantic and therefore less catchy.

“The few” sounds like the title of a horror film.

But I digress…


Lesson 15: Value the friends who stay with you when you fail.

Paul Simon on recovering from a project that failed in the public’s view: “When you have a flop, everybody leaves except your closest friends.”


Lesson 16: Demean the negative voices in your head to weaken them.

At a time when Paul Simon was being worryingly negative to the point of self-destruction, a former psychiatrist advised him to “imagine the negative voice speaking in the comic voice of Bugs Bunny or Donald Duck and imagine the voice coming from under the sole of his shoe.”


Lesson 17: Seek to be an intellectual omnivore.

A friend of Paul Simon describes him as an intellectual omnivore: “He is interested in or is capable of being interested in almost anything.”

I love this phrase, and I think an intellectual omnivore is an endlessly interesting thing to aspire to be!


Lesson 18: Humanity needs artists.

Paul Simon: “Scientists are only beginning to understand the whole wondrous bundle of unanswered, and possibly unanswerable, questions that mankind has been pondering for the millennia. These thoughts are as enticing as a mountain stream, and science has an unquenchable thirst, but to understand the mind and the soul, if such a thing exists, we will need the help of Auden’s ‘shabby curate’: the artist.


Lessons from the Harvard Program on Negotiation

Manny Vallarino · January 20, 2023 ·

For this essay, I reinterpreted and reorganized parts of the Harvard course material — and drew on some of my own experiences, examples, and ideas — solely for educational purposes under Fair Use. I also asked for and got Harvard’s permission to write this. So: Please don’t sue me, Harvard. Please.

I was lucky enough to have the employer-sponsored opportunity to participate in the Harvard Program on Negotiation.

Given that the program took place during a global pandemic — if you’re reading this in the year 3000 or later, I am referring to the coronavirus pandemic that began in early 2020; I know you have since survived many other pandemics, plus apocalyptic global warming, and I know you’re probably not even a human — , it had to be online.

Normally, I dislike online learning and much prefer to learn in person. However, this program was an exception to the rule. I got to be classmates with fascinating people from literally all over the real world, and I learned how to better apply negotiation principles within the digital world, which is certainly useful.

More generally, I learned many lessons in the art and science of negotiation.

Here are six of the lessons I learned from the Harvard Program on Negotiation:

Lesson 1: Have a negotiation framework.
Lesson 2: Listen, paraphrase, inquire, acknowledge.
Lesson 3: Interests over positions.
Lesson 4: Prioritize subjective value.
Lesson 5: Focus on individual culture.
Lesson 6: Reality is not bilateral.


Lesson 1: Have a negotiation framework.

A framework is useful in any discipline because it helps you interpret a situation in such a way that the situation itself can guide your actions.

This is true in writing, music, comedy, and, of course, negotiation.

I like to divide frameworks into two categories: terminology and strategy. Let’s look at both for negotiation.

1.Terminology

Negotiation terminology refers to the words and phrases you use to interpret a real-world negotiation situation.

Here is some basic negotiation terminology I learned from the Harvard Program on Negotiation (and also from a negotiation course I took at Carnegie Mellon University during graduate school, and also from a few books on negotiation):

  • RV (Reservation Value): What is your limit? What are the limits for the other side? RV refers to the limit a negotiator is willing to get to before they decide to walk away. If the absolute most you are willing to pay for an electric guitar is $1,000, then your RV in that situation is $1,000.
  • AV (Aspirational Value): What do you desire? What does the other side desire? AV refers to what a negotiator aspires to get from a negotiation. If you are willing to pay $1,000 for an electric guitar but would love to pay $700 so you could have some money left over, then your AV in that situation is $700. Your AV can be ambitious, but it should also be realistic and justifiable.
  • BATNA (Best Alternative to Negotiated Agreement): What is your best alternative in case a negotiation doesn’t work out?¹ What is the other side’s best alternative? If you can’t negotiate an agreement for the electric guitar, your BATNA may be saving a bit more money to buy one from an established guitar shop; the other side’s BATNA may be selling the guitar to someone else, or ultimately choosing to keep it.
  • ZOPA (Zone of Potential Agreement): How is a deal possible? The ZOPA is the zone that contains the range of possible agreements. If the most you are willing to pay for the guitar is $1,000 and the least the seller is willing to sell it for is $700, then there is a ZOPA — meaning an agreement is possible — , and it comprises all the values in the range from $700 to $1,000.

Let’s bring this terminology together with the guitar example, in which you want to buy an electric guitar from someone else:

RV | Yours=$1,000 (this is the most you’re willing to pay) | Theirs=$700 (you believe this is the least they’re willing to sell for; you can improve your estimate by asking questions and doing thorough research)

AV | Yours=$700 (this is what you would like to pay; it’s justifiable, it’s realistic, and it’ll save you some money) | Theirs=$1,400 (based on your questions and research, you believe this is their aspirational sales price)

BATNA | Yours=buy elsewhere or give up playing guitar (these are your best alternatives in case the negotiation falls apart) | Theirs=sell elsewhere or keep the guitar (you think these are their best alternatives in case the negotiation falls apart)

ZOPA | Sale for $700 — $1,000 (based on the above, there is certainly a ZOPA, and this is it)

Feel free to create and use your own original negotiation terminology!

Now, on putting your terminology to good use…

2.Strategy

Negotiation strategy refers to how you prepare for and approach a negotiation situation.

Every negotiator is different and every negotiation is different, so it would be irresponsible and unrealistic for me to recommend specific strategies.

What I can do is share the following general strategies, which I strive to always apply:

Before a negotiation, write out, in detail, how you plan to approach the negotiation. This preparation should include an analysis of the situation using your preferred terminology. This is like creative writing in that it’s all up to you; you can shape your approach however you want.

During a negotiation, refer to your strategy and stay open. This is like stand-up comedy in that you have your material as a reference, and, at the same time, you’re staying open to what’s happening in the room.

After a negotiation, analyze how your approach performed. This is like recording yourself playing the guitar in that you have to be able to objectively take in what you did right, what you could do better, and what you’d like to keep in mind for next time, because there is always a next time. Except when you die. But that only happens once, so don’t worry. I digress…

Commit to this three-step strategy for each negotiation! It can only make you better over time.

Have a negotiation framework.

Thank you, Harvard Program on Negotiation.

A cloudy, glorious day at Harvard; inside those walls, bright minds are discussing how a particular individual must not be sued for writing this essay.

Lesson 2: Listen, paraphrase, inquire, acknowledge.

Listen, paraphrase, inquire, acknowledge.

I constantly remind myself of these four words using the acronym LPIA.

Most if not all negotiations will have triggering moments, which is where LPIA is really useful.

The three most common human responses to triggers are all unproductive:

  1. Surrender: This is when a salesperson pushes you in some way to make a purchase you can’t or simply do not want to make, and, to avoid a conflict, you surrender and give them what they want.
  2. Playing the game: This is when your friend starts criticizing your taste in movies because they don’t want to watch the movie you really want to watch, so you play the game and begin to criticize their taste.
  3. Quitting the game: My personal favorite. This is when the woman you’re dating is wishy-washy about her interest in you, so you quit the game and fully get over her without first trying to have an open conversation about the situation.

Surrender is unproductive because it negates your needs in a negotiation, and it encourages predatory behavior on the other side. In the example above, you just bought something you didn’t want or need, and that pushy salesperson feels like a winner, and they may not even be aware that they were pushy.

Playing the game is unproductive because it distracts all parties from the real issue, while simultaneously harming the relationship. In the example above, you and your friend still haven’t agreed on which movie you’re going to watch, and by the time you’re done criticizing each other, you might no longer be friends.

Quitting the game, though seemingly “cool” at first glance, is equally unproductive, because you leave a negotiation when there might still be a lot of potential value for all parties involved, and you also rob all parties of valuable lessons. In the example above, you just got over someone who might have been very interested in you but was also very shy and found it difficult to express her interest. You also robbed her of the lesson that her shyness comes off as disinterest, and you robbed yourself of the lesson that it’s best to try to address things openly before jumping to conclusions and making a unilateral decision.²

To allow for better responses when facing triggers, remember to LPIA.

LPIA will allow you to respond more effectively, perhaps by using one of the following three types of moves:

  1. Reframing Moves: This is when you’re a record label and you tell your recording artist (see the example in Lesson 3) that, though it seems on the surface that you both want the same thing and only one of you can get it, the reality is that your true interests are different and reconcilable, so it would be better to reframe the negotiation in terms of those interests and away from your conflicting positions.
  2. Name the Game Moves: This is when an ex-girlfriend tries to psychologically coerce you into getting back together with her because she’s “just about to start seeing other guys,” and you tell her, “Normally, I would allow myself to be drawn into the passionate but unhealthy dynamic of which I was an active participant, but now I have completed the Harvard Program on Negotiation, so I’m just going to name the game here; it seems like you’re trying to make me jealous as a way to coerce me into getting back together with you, which is not exactly the type of behavior that would inspire me to want us to get back together.” This situation happened to a friend, of course…
  3. Change the Players: This is when your salesperson at a car dealership is disrespectful, and you ask their manager to assign you a salesperson whose presence you can actually tolerate. This move is risky, so only use it as a last resort.

When faced with a trigger (and even when not), remember to listen, paraphrase, inquire, and acknowledge.

LPIA!

Thank you, Harvard Program on Negotiation.

Here is distinguished Harvard Law School professor Sheila Heen on how to manage the crucial negotiation with your internal voice. Sheila was a guest speaker for the Harvard PON session I participated in, and her guest spot literally changed my life, as it helped me get over the guilt of ending a few relationships that just had to end. Thank you again, Sheila!

Lesson 3: Interests over positions.

Many negotiations unnecessarily go awry due to a lack of differentiation between interests and positions.

Positions are explicit. These are the stands people take.

Interests tend to be implicit. These are people’s true wants and needs.

To grow as a negotiator, avoid getting bogged down in positions. Instead, strategically share your interests, and also try to learn the other side’s interests.

Let’s illustrate this lesson with an example.

Suppose you are a record label, and you are negotiating with one of your recording musical artists.

The main issue at hand is the ownership of the master recordings for the artist’s upcoming album.

Your artist wants to fully own their master recordings.

You, as the record label, also want to fully own the master recordings.

Is an agreement possible?

If you stay on the surface-level of positions, then no, obviously. Both sides’ positions are directly opposed; the master recordings cannot be fully owned by each side at the same time.

Thankfully, you now know to look beyond positions and into interests. So: Why does the artist want to own the masters? Why does the label want the same thing?

In this example, the artist wants to own the masters because they cannot imagine not owning them. It’s a matter of emotion. Those are their songs, their recordings. They put their life into them. How could they just give them away?

And in this example, the record label wants to own the masters so they can monetize them, earn back their initial investment in the production, and hopefully also make a profit.

Aha! A situation of non-negotiable positions becomes a situation of reconcilable interests.

The artist wants to own the masters because said ownership is deeply meaningful to them. The label wants to own the masters because they want to make money.

Perhaps there is a solution wherein the artist retains full legal ownership of the masters while granting the label an exclusive license to monetize the masters for a period of time that would allow the label to recoup their investment and also make a good profit.

And both sides lived happily ever after.

Or not. But the exploration of underlying interests was still worth it!

Interests over positions.

Thank you, Harvard Program on Negotiation.

A pensive, snowy day at Harvard, where a particular individual is definitely not being sued for writing this essay. Please.

Lesson 4: Prioritize subjective value.

Subjective value (how a negotiation makes you and the other side feel) can often have more value than objective value (the tangible or measurable result of a negotiation).

In fact, desire to do business again seems to not depend on objective value at all, but rather on subjective value!

Positive subjective value correlates with long-term relationship success and long-term higher objective value.

Let’s look at an example.

I want to produce a recording of a song I wrote. I am not a mixing engineer, and I am not a mastering engineer, so I will have to hire out to fill each role. I’m an independent musician, and I want to own the master recording in full.

The mixing engineer I met at a conference was awesome, and I like their work. We agree on a price. All that’s left before getting started is for them to sign the work-for-hire agreement that includes all the terms of ownership and payment. “What the hell is wrong with you?” they say. “I thought we were gonna have fun with this project, and now you’re pulling up contracts? I don’t know if I can do this. Let me talk to my sister. I’ll get back to you next week.” Weeks pass. Months. Ten years later, the mixing engineer calls you and says, “Hey, my sister told me to tell you that she doesn’t know what the hell is wrong with you. Give me one more week.” He hangs up. Ten years for this? I decide to move on.

The mastering engineer I cold-called was awesome. They actually remastered one of my favorite albums ever, which is why I thought to contact them. We agree on a price. All that’s left before getting started is for them to sign the work-for-hire agreement that includes all the terms of ownership and payment. They call me and say, “Manny, you know, I came up in the music business back when contracts were unnecessary formalities. A handshake was all it took. I’ve worked on many classic records on the basis of a handshake, and I have never had any issues. However, it does seem that you need my signature in order to properly register your copyright, and I respect that you want to be by-the-book with these things. Unfortunately, it’s just not how I work, but I am sure your project will turn out great.”

What happened in this example? Nothing. Literally. I still have to find a mixing engineer, and I still have to find a mastering engineer. Though, come to think of it, in each case, nothing happened quite differently.

With the mixing engineer, the objective value was zero: no agreement. The subjective value, however, was clearly negative. They were accusatory, assumed the worst, attempted to gaslight me, played coy, and wasted ten years of my life. Unless we have an open, clarifying, miraculous conversation at some point, future collaboration is unlikely.

With the mastering engineer, the objective value was also zero: no agreement. The subjective value, however, was positive! They were honest, upfront, respectful, graceful, and professional. We were fundamentally incompatible to collaborate on this project, but perhaps we can coincide for a different project, and I would also be happy to recommend them to someone else. Either way, future collaboration is possible.

This example shows that, even when objective value is nonexistent, subjective value can still have a long-term impact.

Prioritize subjective value!³

Thank you, Harvard Program on Negotiation.

This clip sets the stage for a perfect real-life example of prioritized subjective value. In it, Ahmet Ertegun, legendary record-man and songwriter, responds with understanding and friendly pride to Ray Charles’ leaving Atlantic Records. In 1977, a full 17 years later, Ahmet Ertegun was able to sign Ray Charles once again. Subjective value!

Lesson 5: Focus on individual culture.

Culture in negotiation — and in life — can be understood via two extremes.

One is Human Universality. This is what we all have in common.

The other is Cultural Relativity. This captures our differences.

We should focus on the point that sits between these extremes: Human Complexity, or as I like to call it, Individual Culture.

To learn someone’s Individual Culture, do this: Listen, paraphrase, inquire, and acknowledge (see Lesson 2).

LPIA! LPIA! LPIA!

Be very careful with cultural projections and cultural stereotypes.

Cultural projections involve judging another person or culture from the limited perspective of your own culture, with no regard to their legitimate idiosyncrasies.

For example, as of this writing, I live in the United States, and this country has given me the opportunity to create my own life, so I truly love it and am grateful for it. At the same time, US foreign policy is concerning because it has become so mediatized that it’s just a bunch of projections: “That other country isn’t acting exactly how we want them to act, nor are they acting exactly how we think we would act under the same circumstances; therefore, this must mean that they are crazy, irrational, stupid, and evil, and we are the good guys here, anyone who doesn’t agree is a traitor, woo, yeah, they must be destroyed, we are perfect; go, team!”

Cultural stereotypes involve assuming that a unique individual is exactly like what you think their general culture is like.

For example: “Americans always negotiate aggressively and Latin Americans are always more passive.” Things can get really awkward when multiple sides act on cultural stereotypes, like a Latin American negotiator doing a bad impression of what they think is an aggressive American negotiator, at the same time as their negotiation partner, an American negotiator, does a bad impression of what they think is a passive Latin American negotiator.

Avoid projections and stereotypes, and remember: LPIA!⁴

Focus on individual culture.

Thank you, Harvard Program on Negotiation.

Harvard Law School has reached a verdict: A particular individual can write this essay, as long as he acknowledges that it’s based on the Harvard Program on Negotiation course material, just as it had already been discussed between Harvard and said individual prior to the writing of this essay; he just used the hypothetical threat of a Harvard lawsuit as a comedic device. Justice! Freedom!

Lesson 6: Reality is not bilateral.

One is never negotiating with only one other person or one other side.

Consider the following possible negotiations:

  • The negotiation with yourself.
  • The negotiation with your own side.
  • The other side’s negotiation with their side.
  • The negotiation with other active or potential stakeholders.
  • The negotiation with your community.
  • The negotiation with your customers or fans.
  • The negotiation with your family.

There are always other active negotiations that occur at the same time as the one you are mainly focused on.

If you ask for a salary raise at a job, know that your manager will discuss your request with at least one other person, just as you will probably discuss it with at least one peer or mentor.

If you have an important disagreement in a relationship, know that the other person will talk about it with at least one other person, just as you are likely to talk about it with someone else.

The best way to deal with this non-bilateral reality is simply to accept it and be aware of it. Acceptance and awareness will properly guide your actions in most situations.

Furthermore, there are several tools you can use to deal with this reality:

  1. Create a network map: Take a pen and a piece of paper and literally draw out the connections between people in a given negotiation situation. Who is connected to whom? Who supports which side? Who is on your side, no matter what? Draw things out, and see the situation as it is.
  2. Prepare: Do thorough research on the diverse parties. Ask questions to understand which secondary negotiations may be occurring. Use your negotiation framework (see Lesson 1). Do your best to anticipate potential opportunities and challenges involving all concurrent negotiations.
  3. Build strategic alliances: Create mutually beneficial relationships. Find commonalities. Be open-minded and consider allying with individuals or groups who may trigger in you some cultural projections or stereotypes (see Lesson 5). Accept that your alliance attempts may be rejected, and be comfortable rejecting others’ attempts to ally with you.
  4. Seek to understand the situational dynamics: Become an observer of situational dynamics, and let your findings guide your actions. “When the leader of the other side speaks, his supposed partners look away; why?” “My supposed enemy keeps trying to connect with me; why? Perhaps there’s an opening to fix the relationship and the issue?” “My team doesn’t seem to be supporting me. Is there something I’m not seeing?” And so on.

Reality is not bilateral!

Thank you, Harvard Program on Negotiation.

The cast of Friends successfully built a strategic alliance to negotiate their TV contracts.
The character of Kathryn Pinewood of Parks and Recreation introduces “the consumer” as an invisible stakeholder in this negotiation, and it works as a deflecting strategy to not have to directly respond to the claims of her negotiation partner, Leslie Knope. Note: This would be a great opportunity for Leslie to use a Name the Game move (see Lesson 2) and call out Kathryn on what she’s doing!

Let’s review. Here are six lessons from the Harvard Program on Negotiation:

Lesson 1: Have a negotiation framework.
Lesson 2: Listen, paraphrase, inquire, acknowledge.
Lesson 3: Interests over positions.
Lesson 4: Prioritize subjective value.
Lesson 5: Focus on individual culture.
Lesson 6: Reality is not bilateral.

For this essay, I only wrote on six of the many lessons I learned from the Harvard Program on Negotiation.

If you have the opportunity to participate in this awesome program, do it! It is certainly worth it.

If you do not have the opportunity to participate in this program — I am aware of how lucky I am — , that is perfectly okay! Please remember that negotiation, like many complex skills, is mostly learned through experience; and experience, though sometimes challenging to acquire, is mostly free. I have also included an Appendix at the end of this essay with recommendations for books that may help you to improve your negotiation skills at an affordable price, because having a good theoretical base will serve to better direct your experience.

Happy negotiating!

Remember to enjoy the learning process — which never ends — and to experience negotiation as something fun.

I will now go continue to live my life, which is, thankfully, completely free of any lawsuits from Harvard.


Notes

  1. Here is an idea I’m passionate about: You always have alternatives, even if they’re not direct alternatives. If you can’t get an acceptable offer for a job you really want, you can settle for the best offer they can give you, or you can curse the heavens, or you can go for another job, or you can take a sabbatical to heal yourself and your relationships, or you can use it as motivation to learn new skills and languages, or you can use it as a sign that now is the time to invest more in your entrepreneurial ventures, or you can let it help you realize that you’re in the wrong industry or city, etc. If you can’t fix your romantic relationship, then you can settle for an unhappy relationship, or you can keep trying to fix it, or you can end it abruptly and date a bunch of random people, or you can end it kindly and choose to stay single for at least a year, or you can use it as a sign that you two may just be incompatible, or you can become jaded and lose all hope in love, or you can acknowledge and learn from your mistakes and be a better partner and partner-chooser for your next relationship, etc. The alternatives are always infinite. Just let yourself be open to them.
  2. Quitting the game is only unproductive when used lightly or as a reactive first resort, not when quitting is actually the best thing to do. If you do your best to try to address a situation and find that quitting the game is indeed the best way forward, then definitely quit! Life is finite, and better situations await.
  3. You do not have to sacrifice objective value or dismiss your needs! Don’t let people take advantage of you because you’re kind, and don’t suppress your own needs in order to keep others happy. Sometimes you do have to be disagreeable and risk losing subjective value. It’s a tricky balance. Just do your best to manage it. You can do it!
  4. What exactly does it mean to LPIA? Listen is taking in the present moment, undistracted by judgements or thinking about what you’re going to say next. Paraphrase is validating what someone else says, by rewording it, e.g., “So you’re saying I shouldn’t have put ketchup on your ice cream. Did I understand you correctly?” Inquire is being curious and asking questions, e.g., “What bothered you, exactly? Help me understand. Was it the ketchup itself?” Acknowledge is pointing out and affirming someone else’s emotional experience, e.g., “I can see you felt betrayed when I did that thing with the ketchup.”

Appendix — Book Recommendations

  • Difficult Conversations by Sheila Heen, Douglas Stone & Bruce Patton
  • Negotiation Genius by Deepak Malhotra & Max Bazerman
  • Beyond Reason by Daniel Shapiro and Roger Fisher
  • Influence by Robert Cialdini
  • Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman
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