Life

Last summer, I lived for a month and a half in Beijing. It was a life-changing experience, due in no small part to the city’s world-famous cuisine.

One evening, a local friend took me to Beijing’s best Hot Pot restaurant for dinner. Since I’d heard wonders about Beijing cuisine, expectations were high. And expectations were exceeded. The restaurant staff sang a song for the foreigner (i.e., me), my friend and I finished our delicious meal, and then we got the check. I’d never been so happy to pay for something.

The following evening, we had dinner at a different restaurant: Beijing’s best Peking Duck restaurant. This time, the restaurant staff sang a song for the foreigner (i.e., me again — I peaked), we began our meal, they brought us the check to pay at our convenience, and then we finished our meal. We paid, of course, but we weren’t particularly excited to do so. It was more a “they gave us food, so now we give them money” sort of thing. It was transactional, not generous.

The food was equally delicious in both restaurants, so what was different? The first restaurant provided an enveloping experience, which we were then happy to pay for, while the second one inserted paying into the experience, which prevented us from losing ourselves in it.

So whatever you do, don’t bring the metaphorical check until your metaphorical patrons are done with their metaphorical meal. Metaphors aside, bringing what you want into the picture before you’re done giving will do a disservice to both those you want to give to and to yourself.

Give them the full experience. Then, ask for what you want, if anything. Hopefully, by that point, they will already want to give it to you.

When I was 18 years old, I decided I wanted to learn how to sing. I had been playing the guitar and writing lyrics for years, so singing was the natural musical next step.

I set up my first vocal lesson and was ecstatic. I was finally going to learn how to breathe properly; I was finally going to learn how to project properly; I was finally going to learn proper posture; I was finally going to learn all these new things until, one day, I was finally going to be able to sing like my favorite singers!

Not quite.

My desire to add knowledge was quenched as soon as I expressed it to my new vocal instructor at the beginning of our first lesson. After I let her know all I wanted to learn and do and accomplish, she said something along these lines:

Every human being is born singing. You can already sing. You don’t have to learn how to do something you can already do. All you have to do is unlearn the improper vocal habits you’ve accumulated since you were born. Then, your voice will be free.

Brilliant. The point, I realized, was not to learn how to breathe properly, but to unlearn improper breathing. It wasn’t to learn how to project properly, but to unlearn improper projection. And it wasn’t to learn proper posture, but to unlearn improper posture.

Suddenly, there was no pressure. I didn’t have to do anything. I didn’t have to add. All I had to do was to not do. I had to subtract. And subtraction is easier, cleaner, and clearer than addition.

So if you’re looking to learn something, start by unlearning. If you’re looking to do something, start by not doing.

If you want to add, subtract.

There seems to be the implied assumption that an ideal result; i.e., whatever end you wish to achieve, is somehow separate from the process you move through in your pursuit of it.

In reality, the process is the result.

The steps you take in order to achieve an end, shape that end.

For example, say I, hypothetically, want to write an article titled “The Process Is the Result”. I know, it’s a radical idea, but let’s go with it.

If I want the end result, the finished article, to be clean and minimal, then my process has to reflect that: I have to write and edit the article in a clean, minimal manner. But if wanting that same end result, my writing is over-elaborated and my editing nonexistent, then my result, no matter how hard I try to hide it, will not feel clean and minimal.

Apply this same principle to anything you’re moving toward in your life:

• If your ideal result is to have a lean, relaxed, athletic body, then forcing your muscles at the gym with bodybuilder weight-lifting routines will probably not get you there.
• If your ideal result is to write the best novel you can write, then spending most of your reading and writing time on BuzzFeed and Twitter will probably not get you there.

The examples could go on and on.

To be clear, none of the ideal results above, or in your life, are right or wrong.

Coherence is not determined by what your ideal result is, but by whether your process is in harmony with that result.

Perhaps you do want to have Schwarzenegger’s body, in which case, keep lifting, and then run for Governor. Perhaps you do want to make your living as a short-form blogger, in which case BuzzFeed and Twitter are great tools.

It all depends on what you want. You choose. As long as the process and the result are in harmony, it works.

For anything you want, ask yourself: Is my process in harmony with my ideal result? If it is, great. If it isn’t, adjust either your process or your ideal result.

Because if the process isn’t in harmony with the ideal result, then the actual result will be in harmony with the process.

Many of us are familiar with Simon Sinek’s book Start With Why or with the ideas presented therein, some of which are also present in his first TED Talk.

Start With Why provides us with an insightful way of thinking about communication, branding, marketing, or selling, in a way that inspires others to take action.

In essence, this is what Sinek sets forth in Start With Why:

Everyone knows What they do — their product or service, some know How they do it — their process, but few know Why — their purpose.

Most individuals and companies communicate What they do first, then How, and then, maybe, Why — if they even know their purpose, that is.

However, it’s only those that Start With Why — those that know and communicate their purpose first and clearly — that are able to sell their ideas and change the world.

Simple, elegant, and insightful. Any of us looking to become better communicators can learn and improve by practicing Sinek’s ideas.

But then comes the tagline that has come to define Sinek as well as Start With Why; the tagline that inspired me to write this article:

“People don’t buy What you do, they buy Why you do it…”

…Except we don’t.

We might feel like we do.

But we don’t.

Which is why, when buying, we should Start With What.

Because at the end of it all, once our emotions are done guiding our buying behavior, moved by the seller’s Why, we’re left only with What we bought.

We might feel like we’re buying a Why, when we’re really buying a What.

This cognitive illusion, born in the neurological space that separates Why and What, leads us to participate in all kinds of over-emotional buying behavior:

• We feel like we’re buying style, when we’re really buying a shirt.
• We feel like we’re buying innovation, when we’re really buying a smartphone.
• We feel like we’re buying independence, when we’re really buying an apartment.
• We feel like we’re buying musical tradition, when we’re really buying a turntable that doesn’t even sound that great and that we will never use, until, one day, we finally decide to donate it to Goodwill.

I’m sure we can all relate to each of these examples.

I’m sure.

My point is this: When buying, Start With What.

To do so, you can ask yourself the following questions:

“What do I want or need?”

“What features or specifications will fulfill that want or need?”

“What product or service has those features or specifications?”

That’s it.

It’s not about the seller’s Why.

It’s about you and about What you want or need.

The only instance where the seller’s Why or How could and should come into play, is if either of the two infringes upon your nonnegotiable principles, in which case the What is out of the question from the beginning.

In all other instances, when buying, Start With What.

Is What you’re thinking of buying What you want or need?

If it is, perfect.

If not, Why buy it?

For all the romanticizing of mobility, globalization, travel, remote work, and “freedom,” the truth remains that moving is challenging, not only logistically, but holistically.

Moving involves much more than choosing whether to drive or fly. It involves letting go of part of your identity, some meaningful relationships, a sense of homeostasis, and a sense of community.¹

I’ve moved about twelve times at this point due to educational opportunities, professional opportunities, and even health issues, so never solely because of, “hey, wouldn’t moving here be awesome?”

In my experience, though moving gets easier, it’s never easy.

That said, here is some advice on moving…without going crazy:

1. Accept your resistance to the move.
2. Unpack immediately.
3. Stay in touch with people who matter to you.
4. Seek out your interests.
5. Explore nature around you.
6. Absorb the best of your new home.
7. Remember it’s an opportunity to start anew.
8. Question why you’re moving.

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1. Accept your resistance to the move.

You will resist. Even if not consciously, your body will resist, your mind will resist, and your spirit, if you believe in such a thing, will resist. You might get sick, feel anxious, and wonder who you are and what life means…all at once.

This is normal, and I’ve learned it’s a waste of time and energy to resist it. Accept it, endure it with dignity,² and you will adapt in no time.

It also helps to think of someone who has moved often and say to yourself, “if that person can do it, I can definitely do it.” Hint: The Kardashians have all likely moved often. Granted, they probably have an army of ~disruptive influencers~ who help them move. But still.

You can do it!

2. Unpack immediately.

The moment you’re moved in, start unpacking. Don’t wait. Believe me, you don’t want to feel like you’re staying in a hotel for a year. It’s one of those things that’s exciting for a week or two, before it starts to drain you inside-out.

Unpack your clothes, arrange your books, organize your room, hang your paintings, and put up your posters.

Create or re-create your personal space in this new place, and you’ll see how easy it is to make any place feel like home…ish.

3. Stay in touch with people who matter to you.

While moving requires a lot of letting go, it doesn’t mean you have to let go of all your family, all your friends, and everything that makes you you, like your name, unless you really dislike your name, in which case this is your chance.

Call people who matter to you. Have conversations with them. Texting doesn’t count, and for the most part just takes you out of your new reality without providing any of the benefits of truly connecting with someone.³

Make sure you’re calling people and staying in touch.

4. Seek out your interests.

What are you into? Where does your mind wander? Seek these things out wherever you move.

If you like to read, look up bookstores near you.

If you like to play soccer, look up leagues near you.

If you’re learning German, find out where Germans hang out. Hint: Germany.

There are few better paths toward community than through common interests, and chances are every single one of your interests is shared by at least one person in your surrounding area.

I moved to China for a summer, found the Hot Cat Club (not what it sounds like), and went there every week to do stand-up and play songs. I moved to Miami recently, found Salsa Kings, and enrolled in salsa-dancing lessons so my Hispanic family doesn’t disown me. Without these finds, both moves would have been much more challenging than they were.

Whatever you’re into, find it as soon as possible. It will make moving easier and even enjoyable.

5. Explore nature around you.

Take walks! How is the weather different? Any weird-looking plants around? Perhaps there’s a dead duck by a lake? That last one is based on a true story; Miami is an interesting place.

Do not browse the internet to learn more about your new environment. Please. Google doesn’t know what the best natural spots to visit are; it just knows which of them are popular…and which of them pay Google.

Get out and explore. Take walks and take in your new home…ish.

6. Absorb the best of your new home.

I moved to China, where I learned to be less rigid in my approach to life. I also moved to Costa Rica, where I learned how much I value peace, quiet, family, and reading. These lessons are now a part of who I am.

Bear in mind that I moved to China to enroll in a Digital TV Broadcasting Techniques course with then complete strangers from all over the world, and to Costa Rica to get treated for a serious hand injury, so neither of these moves were about “finding myself” or anything of the like.

Still, these are two simple examples of how moving can make you more complete. Different places, like different people, have traits that will resonate with you and traits that won’t, and moving to these places gives you the chance to absorb that which resonates, while filtering out what doesn’t.

7. Remember it’s an opportunity to start anew.

I would have never fully embraced my love of learning or of the arts had I never moved away from where I grew up, and that is a fact, I think.

Moving gives you the priceless opportunity to be stripped of who you think you are, which is often defined in relation to how people in your environment think of and treat you. Stripped of all this, you can choose who you want to be.

Most people never get this opportunity, so don’t waste it. Please?

8. Question why you’re moving.

In “Desperado” by the Eagles, one of my favorite songs of all time, Don Henley sings this lyric:

And freedom, oh freedom, well that’s just some people talking
Your prison is walking through this world all alone

Many people move not because they’re moving toward what they want, but because they’re moving away from what they don’t want; two different intentions which inevitably lead to two different results.

“Freedom” in the escapist sense that’s so romanticized these days is “just some people talking,” and is often more challenging (and lonelier) than staying put.

Moving need not be this way. Just make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons, whatever those may be to you.

Notes

1. Online communities are an oxymoron. Human beings need real-life, proximal communities. Yuval Noah Harari has clear thoughts on this in the “Humans Have Bodies” chapter of 21 Lessons for the 21st Century.
2. For more on finding meaning in hardship or suffering, read Man’s Search for Meaning by Dr. Viktor E. Frankl.
3. Cal Newport’s goes deeper into this in his book Digital Minimalism.