Journal

Lessons from the book All About Me!: My Remarkable Life in Show Business, by Mel Brooks

Manny Vallarino · February 15, 2023 ·

How fully I recommend this book: 7/10

Lesson 1: In satire, everything surrounding the comedy has to be real.

In Young Frankenstein (one of my favorite films ever), Mel Brooks shares that, for the comedy to work, the film had to be in black and white, and the costumes, walls, floors, and all else had to be real and true to the original Frankenstein films.

The comedy works because of its real backdrop.

Lesson 2: If you’re a creative producer, use references.

Mel Brooks used references for all of his productions. He used them to give his actors something to aim for, to limit his options in cinematography, and more.

This is not plagiarism. It’s referencing numerous sources, combining them in unique ways, and adding one’s own taste. You know, like human creativity!

Lesson 3: Consider mood and context before asking for a favor.

Mel Brooks shares how he approached a studio executive to request more money for a film production.

Brooks first confirmed with the executive’s secretary and collaborators that he was in a good mood (or not in a bad one!).

Then, he chose not to approach the executive in his office, where he would feel pressured by the studio to say no. He casually asked him in a hallway walking back from lunch, and he got the money!

Lesson 4: When acting in comedy, never play it funny. Play it real.

The best comedy acting is not heightened: It’s real.

Mel Brooks: “When it’s funny, your character doesn’t know it’s funny. You’re just doing your job. The audience knows when it’s funny. But you don’t.”

Lesson 5: “When you parody something, you move the truth sideways.”

This is a perfect description of parody!

I wrote two parodies for my first book of short fiction (in Spanish) titled Bebé azul, and this lesson certainly describes both.

Lesson 6: The talent of a writer.

Mel Brooks: “Every human being has hundreds of separate people living inside his skin. And the talent of a writer is his ability to give them their separate names, identities, personalities, and have them relate to other characters living within him.”

Lesson 7: Seek to make work that lasts.

Mel Brooks left a lucrative TV career to move to Hollywood and make films, because he sensed that, at the time, film work would outlast TV work.

He was right, and he’s left his rich creative contribution for us and future generations, which may mean more than short-term praise or profit.

Lesson 8: If you do your best work and keep doing it, you’ll find your people.

Just by doing his best work, Mel Brooks found meaningful love and friendship.

The work led him away from what wasn’t for him, and toward what was.

Inspiring!

Lesson 9: “First, do it as written. Later you can make it your own.”

Mel Brooks would often say this to comedians he’d write for, and I love this approach! He says, “Without information, there is no joke.” In a good script, the jokes are there and also their required information, so if actors improvise to be funny, important joke and narrative information can be lost.

Also, like in music, “doing it as written” teaches you the foundations of the craft, which then lets you make anything your own.

Lesson 10: “The only test of comedy is laughter.”

If people (it doesn’t have to be everyone) aren’t laughing, then it’s not a comedy, or it’s a comedy that isn’t working for one or many issues that must be tweaked. That’s it!

The lighting, showmanship, charisma, writing, etc. are all secondary to laughter (this is only true in a pure comedy).

Lesson 11: “When making a movie, always strive to create an illusion of reality.”

This applies to all the arts.

Lesson 12: “Show business is ups and downs. We can only hope to get more ups than downs.”

Lesson 13: In American culture, always ask for what you want.

In other cultures, this might be seen as intimidating. In the US, it’s considerate and transparent to be open about what you want, because how can people help you if they don’t know what you want?

Lesson 14: If the storyline doesn’t work, the laughs won’t work.

Or they won’t work as well as they could!

In film, “People can laugh wildly at a movie and then come out and say it wasn’t any good, it was cheap laughter.”

Great comedy films are not just a series of great jokes; they’re great stories with real characters and emotional substance.

Lesson 15: Language is rhythmic, especially in comedy.

Mel Brooks: “As far as I’m concerned, a joke has to end with a rim shot.”

When you write comedy, consider the rhythms and sounds in the words you are choosing. Are they serving the comedy?

Lesson 16: How to deal with notes from people outside the creative process.

Mel Brooks: “Like I’ve said before, as far as movie executives are concerned, always agree with them, but never do a thing they say.”

Hilarious. There may be exceptions to this, of course, but in most cases, people outside the creative process just don’t understand how to actually improve a piece of creative work.

Lesson 17: Protect your art by producing it yourself.

Work with great collaborators, of course! But it’s your vision, and the best way to bring your vision to reality is to produce it yourself.

Lesson 18: Edit out what doesn’t work (even if you love it).

Mel Brooks writes about how he often cut many jokes and moments he loved, because they were not getting a laugh when they should, or they were simply not contributing to the good of the overall film, performance, or project.

Lesson 19: Failure is vital.

Mel Brooks: “Nothing helps you to succeed like failure.” It helps you find reasons for each failure, which will help you achieve future success. It teaches you. And it’s proof that you’re really going for it!

Lessons from the book Paul Simon: The Life, by Robert Hilburn

Manny Vallarino · January 28, 2023 ·

How fully I recommend this book: 9/10

Lesson 1: Art as comfort.

As a creative person, it’s easy to get distracted with the superficial and forget just how comforting and healing our art can be!

Here’s Paul Simon: “I remember times when I was really sad, and I’d sit and play an E chord for a half hour. I wasn’t writing a song. I was just comforting myself with the instrument I loved.”

Lesson 2: Sensitivity is innate, but artistry is earned.

Paul Simon was not a child prodigy. He describes his early work as “crap” and his biographer writes this about it: “There was no twinkle of greatness in any of it.”

Simon was, however, extremely sensitive and easily moved by music and language.

So, he was born sensitive, but he earned his artistry: through learning from his musical father, guitar lessons, singing with his neighbor Art Garfunkel, being in musicals, imitating his favorite songs, and more, over many years.

Lesson 3: Attention as a natural consequence of doing something that warrants it.

Paul Simon on getting attention: “I wanted it to come naturally, by doing something that warranted it, rather than me manipulating people to look at me.”

I love this approach!

Lesson 4: Immerse yourself in the context of what you want to learn.

Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel learned to sing harmony by literally sitting nose to nose, copying each other’s diction, recording themselves, and listening back to keep polishing their vocal blend.

Simon learned songwriting by trying to copy his favorite records.

He learned music production by recording demos and spending hours in recording studios many afternoons as soon as his college classes would end.

Lesson 5: Audiences are different and make a difference.

It’s never a good idea to blame the audience when a performance goes poorly, but it’s good to recognize that the audience is always a factor at play, in any performance with any result.

In folk clubs in the US, Paul Simon found that the audience would often be drinking and making a lot of noise, whereas in Europe and particularly in England, the audience was “actually listening to your songs.”

Hence why so much of his early artistic growth happened in Europe!

Lesson 6: It’s as hard to protect artistry as it is to achieve it.

Beyond earning his artistry, Paul Simon has had to work to protect it: from drugs, fame (which he describes as “bogus”), and all distractions.

“You want people to care about your music, but you don’t want them to interrupt your life.”

He mentions Elvis as someone who started off as a hero and then “turned into a role model you didn’t want to follow,” due to the distracting power of fame and what it did to him.

Lesson 7: Protect the music.

Paul Simon: “I’m not going to let anything bad happen to a piece of work. It’s like your child.”

It’s our job to protect the quality of our work, creative or otherwise.

Lesson 8: A true artist keeps learning!

Paul Simon had already studied his craft for years, written classic songs, and made millions… when he decided to study classical guitar, jazz composition, and vocal technique for better breathing and projection.

Wow! Inspiring, and it explains his extraordinary and multidimensional artistry and body of work.

Lesson 9: Much artistic growth comes from experience and from learning what works.

Paul Simon on developing as a singer: “The real growth comes from experience and learning what kind of songs suit your voice.”

In other words: Go earn experience, and always play to what works best for you. There is no prize for trying to do things you’re not ready or equipped to do!

Lesson 10: External opinions are distractions. It’s your art, so you choose.

Paul Simon mentions how he doesn’t read comments or reviews on his work. “Whether someone is saying you’re a genius or whether they’re saying you’re not, it’s just somebody’s opinion.”

He adds: “When you are writing a song or making a record, you’re the only judge that matters. You can listen to people you trust for their thoughts, but it’s still your decision. The less clutter you allow into the process, the better off you are.”

Lesson 11: Nurture friendships in different areas of interest.

Paul Simon established friendships with people from all of the arts: books, painting, theater, and movies. This has enriched his artistic career and, more importantly, his life!

Lesson 12: Absorb beauty from different cultures.

Paul Simon’s body of work reflects his love for American rock and roll, African harmonies, Brazilian rhythms, Latin American compositions, world literature, and more.

We can all enrich our lives and contributions by absorbing beauty from anywhere, especially if it’s from somewhere unfamiliar.

Lesson 13: “If your awareness of the world is based on pop music, you’re probably not very aware.”

I love this Paul Simon quote so much!

We live in strange times where real issues and pop culture share pixels on the same screens, but it’s important to remember just how disparate they are.

Lesson 14: Love at first sight can happen more than once.

I can also attest to this! But it was cool to read about Paul Simon’s account with it.

People really commit to the whole idea of “the one,” but it’s more like “the few.”

Though I can see why it’s less romantic and therefore less catchy.

“The few” sounds like the title of a horror film.

But I digress…

Lesson 15: Value the friends who stay with you when you fail.

Paul Simon on recovering from a project that failed in the public’s view: “When you have a flop, everybody leaves except your closest friends.”

Lesson 16: Demean the negative voices in your head to weaken them.

At a time when Paul Simon was being worryingly negative to the point of self-destruction, a former psychiatrist advised him to “imagine the negative voice speaking in the comic voice of Bugs Bunny or Donald Duck and imagine the voice coming from under the sole of his shoe.”

Lesson 17: Seek to be an intellectual omnivore.

A friend of Paul Simon describes him as an intellectual omnivore: “He is interested in or is capable of being interested in almost anything.”

I love this phrase, and I think an intellectual omnivore is an endlessly interesting thing to aspire to be!

Lesson 18: Humanity needs artists.

Paul Simon: “Scientists are only beginning to understand the whole wondrous bundle of unanswered, and possibly unanswerable, questions that mankind has been pondering for the millennia. These thoughts are as enticing as a mountain stream, and science has an unquenchable thirst, but to understand the mind and the soul, if such a thing exists, we will need the help of Auden’s ‘shabby curate’: the artist.

Lessons from the Harvard Program on Negotiation

Manny Vallarino · January 20, 2023 ·

For this essay, I reinterpreted and reorganized parts of the Harvard course material — and drew on some of my own experiences, examples, and ideas — solely for educational purposes under Fair Use. I also asked for and got Harvard’s permission to write this. So: Please don’t sue me, Harvard. Please.

I was lucky enough to have the employer-sponsored opportunity to participate in the Harvard Program on Negotiation.

Given that the program took place during a global pandemic — if you’re reading this in the year 3000 or later, I am referring to the coronavirus pandemic that began in early 2020; I know you have since survived many other pandemics, plus apocalyptic global warming, and I know you’re probably not even a human — , it had to be online.

Normally, I dislike online learning and much prefer to learn in person. However, this program was an exception to the rule. I got to be classmates with fascinating people from literally all over the real world, and I learned how to better apply negotiation principles within the digital world, which is certainly useful.

More generally, I learned many lessons in the art and science of negotiation.

Here are six of the lessons I learned from the Harvard Program on Negotiation:

Lesson 1: Have a negotiation framework.
Lesson 2: Listen, paraphrase, inquire, acknowledge.
Lesson 3: Interests over positions.
Lesson 4: Prioritize subjective value.
Lesson 5: Focus on individual culture.
Lesson 6: Reality is not bilateral.

Lesson 1: Have a negotiation framework.

A framework is useful in any discipline because it helps you interpret a situation in such a way that the situation itself can guide your actions.

This is true in writing, music, comedy, and, of course, negotiation.

I like to divide frameworks into two categories: terminology and strategy. Let’s look at both for negotiation.

1.Terminology

Negotiation terminology refers to the words and phrases you use to interpret a real-world negotiation situation.

Here is some basic negotiation terminology I learned from the Harvard Program on Negotiation (and also from a negotiation course I took at Carnegie Mellon University during graduate school, and also from a few books on negotiation):

RV (Reservation Value): What is your limit? What are the limits for the other side? RV refers to the limit a negotiator is willing to get to before they decide to walk away. If the absolute most you are willing to pay for an electric guitar is $1,000, then your RV in that situation is $1,000.
AV (Aspirational Value): What do you desire? What does the other side desire? AV refers to what a negotiator aspires to get from a negotiation. If you are willing to pay $1,000 for an electric guitar but would love to pay $700 so you could have some money left over, then your AV in that situation is $700. Your AV can be ambitious, but it should also be realistic and justifiable.
BATNA (Best Alternative to Negotiated Agreement): What is your best alternative in case a negotiation doesn’t work out?¹ What is the other side’s best alternative? If you can’t negotiate an agreement for the electric guitar, your BATNA may be saving a bit more money to buy one from an established guitar shop; the other side’s BATNA may be selling the guitar to someone else, or ultimately choosing to keep it.
ZOPA (Zone of Potential Agreement): How is a deal possible? The ZOPA is the zone that contains the range of possible agreements. If the most you are willing to pay for the guitar is $1,000 and the least the seller is willing to sell it for is $700, then there is a ZOPA — meaning an agreement is possible — , and it comprises all the values in the range from $700 to $1,000.

Let’s bring this terminology together with the guitar example, in which you want to buy an electric guitar from someone else:

RV | Yours=$1,000 (this is the most you’re willing to pay) | Theirs=$700 (you believe this is the least they’re willing to sell for; you can improve your estimate by asking questions and doing thorough research)

AV | Yours=$700 (this is what you would like to pay; it’s justifiable, it’s realistic, and it’ll save you some money) | Theirs=$1,400 (based on your questions and research, you believe this is their aspirational sales price)

BATNA | Yours=buy elsewhere or give up playing guitar (these are your best alternatives in case the negotiation falls apart) | Theirs=sell elsewhere or keep the guitar (you think these are their best alternatives in case the negotiation falls apart)

ZOPA | Sale for $700 — $1,000 (based on the above, there is certainly a ZOPA, and this is it)

Feel free to create and use your own original negotiation terminology!

Now, on putting your terminology to good use…

2.Strategy

Negotiation strategy refers to how you prepare for and approach a negotiation situation.

Every negotiator is different and every negotiation is different, so it would be irresponsible and unrealistic for me to recommend specific strategies.

What I can do is share the following general strategies, which I strive to always apply:

Before a negotiation, write out, in detail, how you plan to approach the negotiation. This preparation should include an analysis of the situation using your preferred terminology. This is like creative writing in that it’s all up to you; you can shape your approach however you want.

During a negotiation, refer to your strategy and stay open. This is like stand-up comedy in that you have your material as a reference, and, at the same time, you’re staying open to what’s happening in the room.

After a negotiation, analyze how your approach performed. This is like recording yourself playing the guitar in that you have to be able to objectively take in what you did right, what you could do better, and what you’d like to keep in mind for next time, because there is always a next time. Except when you die. But that only happens once, so don’t worry. I digress…

Commit to this three-step strategy for each negotiation! It can only make you better over time.

Have a negotiation framework.

Thank you, Harvard Program on Negotiation.

A cloudy, glorious day at Harvard; inside those walls, bright minds are discussing how a particular individual must not be sued for writing this essay.

Lesson 2: Listen, paraphrase, inquire, acknowledge.

Listen, paraphrase, inquire, acknowledge.

I constantly remind myself of these four words using the acronym LPIA.

Most if not all negotiations will have triggering moments, which is where LPIA is really useful.

The three most common human responses to triggers are all unproductive:

Surrender: This is when a salesperson pushes you in some way to make a purchase you can’t or simply do not want to make, and, to avoid a conflict, you surrender and give them what they want.
Playing the game: This is when your friend starts criticizing your taste in movies because they don’t want to watch the movie you really want to watch, so you play the game and begin to criticize their taste.
Quitting the game: My personal favorite. This is when the woman you’re dating is wishy-washy about her interest in you, so you quit the game and fully get over her without first trying to have an open conversation about the situation.

Surrender is unproductive because it negates your needs in a negotiation, and it encourages predatory behavior on the other side. In the example above, you just bought something you didn’t want or need, and that pushy salesperson feels like a winner, and they may not even be aware that they were pushy.

Playing the game is unproductive because it distracts all parties from the real issue, while simultaneously harming the relationship. In the example above, you and your friend still haven’t agreed on which movie you’re going to watch, and by the time you’re done criticizing each other, you might no longer be friends.

Quitting the game, though seemingly “cool” at first glance, is equally unproductive, because you leave a negotiation when there might still be a lot of potential value for all parties involved, and you also rob all parties of valuable lessons. In the example above, you just got over someone who might have been very interested in you but was also very shy and found it difficult to express her interest. You also robbed her of the lesson that her shyness comes off as disinterest, and you robbed yourself of the lesson that it’s best to try to address things openly before jumping to conclusions and making a unilateral decision.²

To allow for better responses when facing triggers, remember to LPIA.

LPIA will allow you to respond more effectively, perhaps by using one of the following three types of moves:

Reframing Moves: This is when you’re a record label and you tell your recording artist (see the example in Lesson 3) that, though it seems on the surface that you both want the same thing and only one of you can get it, the reality is that your true interests are different and reconcilable, so it would be better to reframe the negotiation in terms of those interests and away from your conflicting positions.
Name the Game Moves: This is when an ex-girlfriend tries to psychologically coerce you into getting back together with her because she’s “just about to start seeing other guys,” and you tell her, “Normally, I would allow myself to be drawn into the passionate but unhealthy dynamic of which I was an active participant, but now I have completed the Harvard Program on Negotiation, so I’m just going to name the game here; it seems like you’re trying to make me jealous as a way to coerce me into getting back together with you, which is not exactly the type of behavior that would inspire me to want us to get back together.” This situation happened to a friend, of course…
Change the Players: This is when your salesperson at a car dealership is disrespectful, and you ask their manager to assign you a salesperson whose presence you can actually tolerate. This move is risky, so only use it as a last resort.

When faced with a trigger (and even when not), remember to listen, paraphrase, inquire, and acknowledge.

LPIA!

Thank you, Harvard Program on Negotiation.

Here is distinguished Harvard Law School professor Sheila Heen on how to manage the crucial negotiation with your internal voice. Sheila was a guest speaker for the Harvard PON session I participated in, and her guest spot literally changed my life, as it helped me get over the guilt of ending a few relationships that just had to end. Thank you again, Sheila!

Lesson 3: Interests over positions.

Many negotiations unnecessarily go awry due to a lack of differentiation between interests and positions.

Positions are explicit. These are the stands people take.

Interests tend to be implicit. These are people’s true wants and needs.

To grow as a negotiator, avoid getting bogged down in positions. Instead, strategically share your interests, and also try to learn the other side’s interests.

Let’s illustrate this lesson with an example.

Suppose you are a record label, and you are negotiating with one of your recording musical artists.

The main issue at hand is the ownership of the master recordings for the artist’s upcoming album.

Your artist wants to fully own their master recordings.

You, as the record label, also want to fully own the master recordings.

Is an agreement possible?

If you stay on the surface-level of positions, then no, obviously. Both sides’ positions are directly opposed; the master recordings cannot be fully owned by each side at the same time.

Thankfully, you now know to look beyond positions and into interests. So: Why does the artist want to own the masters? Why does the label want the same thing?

In this example, the artist wants to own the masters because they cannot imagine not owning them. It’s a matter of emotion. Those are their songs, their recordings. They put their life into them. How could they just give them away?

And in this example, the record label wants to own the masters so they can monetize them, earn back their initial investment in the production, and hopefully also make a profit.

Aha! A situation of non-negotiable positions becomes a situation of reconcilable interests.

The artist wants to own the masters because said ownership is deeply meaningful to them. The label wants to own the masters because they want to make money.

Perhaps there is a solution wherein the artist retains full legal ownership of the masters while granting the label an exclusive license to monetize the masters for a period of time that would allow the label to recoup their investment and also make a good profit.

And both sides lived happily ever after.

Or not. But the exploration of underlying interests was still worth it!

Interests over positions.

Thank you, Harvard Program on Negotiation.

A pensive, snowy day at Harvard, where a particular individual is definitely not being sued for writing this essay. Please.

Lesson 4: Prioritize subjective value.

Subjective value (how a negotiation makes you and the other side feel) can often have more value than objective value (the tangible or measurable result of a negotiation).

In fact, desire to do business again seems to not depend on objective value at all, but rather on subjective value!

Positive subjective value correlates with long-term relationship success and long-term higher objective value.

Let’s look at an example.

I want to produce a recording of a song I wrote. I am not a mixing engineer, and I am not a mastering engineer, so I will have to hire out to fill each role. I’m an independent musician, and I want to own the master recording in full.

The mixing engineer I met at a conference was awesome, and I like their work. We agree on a price. All that’s left before getting started is for them to sign the work-for-hire agreement that includes all the terms of ownership and payment. “What the hell is wrong with you?” they say. “I thought we were gonna have fun with this project, and now you’re pulling up contracts? I don’t know if I can do this. Let me talk to my sister. I’ll get back to you next week.” Weeks pass. Months. Ten years later, the mixing engineer calls you and says, “Hey, my sister told me to tell you that she doesn’t know what the hell is wrong with you. Give me one more week.” He hangs up. Ten years for this? I decide to move on.

The mastering engineer I cold-called was awesome. They actually remastered one of my favorite albums ever, which is why I thought to contact them. We agree on a price. All that’s left before getting started is for them to sign the work-for-hire agreement that includes all the terms of ownership and payment. They call me and say, “Manny, you know, I came up in the music business back when contracts were unnecessary formalities. A handshake was all it took. I’ve worked on many classic records on the basis of a handshake, and I have never had any issues. However, it does seem that you need my signature in order to properly register your copyright, and I respect that you want to be by-the-book with these things. Unfortunately, it’s just not how I work, but I am sure your project will turn out great.”

What happened in this example? Nothing. Literally. I still have to find a mixing engineer, and I still have to find a mastering engineer. Though, come to think of it, in each case, nothing happened quite differently.

With the mixing engineer, the objective value was zero: no agreement. The subjective value, however, was clearly negative. They were accusatory, assumed the worst, attempted to gaslight me, played coy, and wasted ten years of my life. Unless we have an open, clarifying, miraculous conversation at some point, future collaboration is unlikely.

With the mastering engineer, the objective value was also zero: no agreement. The subjective value, however, was positive! They were honest, upfront, respectful, graceful, and professional. We were fundamentally incompatible to collaborate on this project, but perhaps we can coincide for a different project, and I would also be happy to recommend them to someone else. Either way, future collaboration is possible.

This example shows that, even when objective value is nonexistent, subjective value can still have a long-term impact.

Prioritize subjective value!³

Thank you, Harvard Program on Negotiation.

This clip sets the stage for a perfect real-life example of prioritized subjective value. In it, Ahmet Ertegun, legendary record-man and songwriter, responds with understanding and friendly pride to Ray Charles’ leaving Atlantic Records. In 1977, a full 17 years later, Ahmet Ertegun was able to sign Ray Charles once again. Subjective value!

Lesson 5: Focus on individual culture.

Culture in negotiation — and in life — can be understood via two extremes.

One is Human Universality. This is what we all have in common.

The other is Cultural Relativity. This captures our differences.

We should focus on the point that sits between these extremes: Human Complexity, or as I like to call it, Individual Culture.

To learn someone’s Individual Culture, do this: Listen, paraphrase, inquire, and acknowledge (see Lesson 2).

LPIA! LPIA! LPIA!

Be very careful with cultural projections and cultural stereotypes.

Cultural projections involve judging another person or culture from the limited perspective of your own culture, with no regard to their legitimate idiosyncrasies.

For example, as of this writing, I live in the United States, and this country has given me the opportunity to create my own life, so I truly love it and am grateful for it. At the same time, US foreign policy is concerning because it has become so mediatized that it’s just a bunch of projections: “That other country isn’t acting exactly how we want them to act, nor are they acting exactly how we think we would act under the same circumstances; therefore, this must mean that they are crazy, irrational, stupid, and evil, and we are the good guys here, anyone who doesn’t agree is a traitor, woo, yeah, they must be destroyed, we are perfect; go, team!”

Cultural stereotypes involve assuming that a unique individual is exactly like what you think their general culture is like.

For example: “Americans always negotiate aggressively and Latin Americans are always more passive.” Things can get really awkward when multiple sides act on cultural stereotypes, like a Latin American negotiator doing a bad impression of what they think is an aggressive American negotiator, at the same time as their negotiation partner, an American negotiator, does a bad impression of what they think is a passive Latin American negotiator.

Avoid projections and stereotypes, and remember: LPIA!⁴

Focus on individual culture.

Thank you, Harvard Program on Negotiation.

Harvard Law School has reached a verdict: A particular individual can write this essay, as long as he acknowledges that it’s based on the Harvard Program on Negotiation course material, just as it had already been discussed between Harvard and said individual prior to the writing of this essay; he just used the hypothetical threat of a Harvard lawsuit as a comedic device. Justice! Freedom!

Lesson 6: Reality is not bilateral.

One is never negotiating with only one other person or one other side.

Consider the following possible negotiations:

The negotiation with yourself.
The negotiation with your own side.
The other side’s negotiation with their side.
The negotiation with other active or potential stakeholders.
The negotiation with your community.
The negotiation with your customers or fans.
The negotiation with your family.

There are always other active negotiations that occur at the same time as the one you are mainly focused on.

If you ask for a salary raise at a job, know that your manager will discuss your request with at least one other person, just as you will probably discuss it with at least one peer or mentor.

If you have an important disagreement in a relationship, know that the other person will talk about it with at least one other person, just as you are likely to talk about it with someone else.

The best way to deal with this non-bilateral reality is simply to accept it and be aware of it. Acceptance and awareness will properly guide your actions in most situations.

Furthermore, there are several tools you can use to deal with this reality:

Create a network map: Take a pen and a piece of paper and literally draw out the connections between people in a given negotiation situation. Who is connected to whom? Who supports which side? Who is on your side, no matter what? Draw things out, and see the situation as it is.
Prepare: Do thorough research on the diverse parties. Ask questions to understand which secondary negotiations may be occurring. Use your negotiation framework (see Lesson 1). Do your best to anticipate potential opportunities and challenges involving all concurrent negotiations.
Build strategic alliances: Create mutually beneficial relationships. Find commonalities. Be open-minded and consider allying with individuals or groups who may trigger in you some cultural projections or stereotypes (see Lesson 5). Accept that your alliance attempts may be rejected, and be comfortable rejecting others’ attempts to ally with you.
Seek to understand the situational dynamics: Become an observer of situational dynamics, and let your findings guide your actions. “When the leader of the other side speaks, his supposed partners look away; why?” “My supposed enemy keeps trying to connect with me; why? Perhaps there’s an opening to fix the relationship and the issue?” “My team doesn’t seem to be supporting me. Is there something I’m not seeing?” And so on.

Reality is not bilateral!

Thank you, Harvard Program on Negotiation.

The cast of Friends successfully built a strategic alliance to negotiate their TV contracts.

The character of Kathryn Pinewood of Parks and Recreation introduces “the consumer” as an invisible stakeholder in this negotiation, and it works as a deflecting strategy to not have to directly respond to the claims of her negotiation partner, Leslie Knope. Note: This would be a great opportunity for Leslie to use a Name the Game move (see Lesson 2) and call out Kathryn on what she’s doing!

Let’s review. Here are six lessons from the Harvard Program on Negotiation:

For this essay, I only wrote on six of the many lessons I learned from the Harvard Program on Negotiation.

If you have the opportunity to participate in this awesome program, do it! It is certainly worth it.

If you do not have the opportunity to participate in this program — I am aware of how lucky I am — , that is perfectly okay! Please remember that negotiation, like many complex skills, is mostly learned through experience; and experience, though sometimes challenging to acquire, is mostly free. I have also included an Appendix at the end of this essay with recommendations for books that may help you to improve your negotiation skills at an affordable price, because having a good theoretical base will serve to better direct your experience.

Happy negotiating!

Remember to enjoy the learning process — which never ends — and to experience negotiation as something fun.

I will now go continue to live my life, which is, thankfully, completely free of any lawsuits from Harvard.

Notes

Here is an idea I’m passionate about: You always have alternatives, even if they’re not direct alternatives. If you can’t get an acceptable offer for a job you really want, you can settle for the best offer they can give you, or you can curse the heavens, or you can go for another job, or you can take a sabbatical to heal yourself and your relationships, or you can use it as motivation to learn new skills and languages, or you can use it as a sign that now is the time to invest more in your entrepreneurial ventures, or you can let it help you realize that you’re in the wrong industry or city, etc. If you can’t fix your romantic relationship, then you can settle for an unhappy relationship, or you can keep trying to fix it, or you can end it abruptly and date a bunch of random people, or you can end it kindly and choose to stay single for at least a year, or you can use it as a sign that you two may just be incompatible, or you can become jaded and lose all hope in love, or you can acknowledge and learn from your mistakes and be a better partner and partner-chooser for your next relationship, etc. The alternatives are always infinite. Just let yourself be open to them.
Quitting the game is only unproductive when used lightly or as a reactive first resort, not when quitting is actually the best thing to do. If you do your best to try to address a situation and find that quitting the game is indeed the best way forward, then definitely quit! Life is finite, and better situations await.
You do not have to sacrifice objective value or dismiss your needs! Don’t let people take advantage of you because you’re kind, and don’t suppress your own needs in order to keep others happy. Sometimes you do have to be disagreeable and risk losing subjective value. It’s a tricky balance. Just do your best to manage it. You can do it!
What exactly does it mean to LPIA? Listen is taking in the present moment, undistracted by judgements or thinking about what you’re going to say next. Paraphrase is validating what someone else says, by rewording it, e.g., “So you’re saying I shouldn’t have put ketchup on your ice cream. Did I understand you correctly?” Inquire is being curious and asking questions, e.g., “What bothered you, exactly? Help me understand. Was it the ketchup itself?” Acknowledge is pointing out and affirming someone else’s emotional experience, e.g., “I can see you felt betrayed when I did that thing with the ketchup.”

Appendix — Book Recommendations

Difficult Conversations by Sheila Heen, Douglas Stone & Bruce Patton
Negotiation Genius by Deepak Malhotra & Max Bazerman
Beyond Reason by Daniel Shapiro and Roger Fisher
Influence by Robert Cialdini
Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman

Lessons from My Father—Volume I

Manny Vallarino · January 20, 2023 ·

The original draft of this essay was titled: “Lessons from My Biological Father”.

I wrote it during the winter of 2021, and it was the heaviest thing I had ever written, to the point where, as you can tell, I decided to not share it.

It made Fyodor Dostoevsky’s Crime and Punishment seem like a feel-good love story in comparison.¹

Why? Well, I don’t have a relationship with my father and haven’t for several years (this is a good thing!). There is a lot of darkness to be found in my personal history with my father. I can trace many of my present struggles right back into that darkness. Plus, more dark things.

Hence the overall heaviness in that original draft.

However, as of this writing, during the summer of 2022: I’m in a great mood!

So, hey, why not keep it light and fun and educational?

Maybe, someday, if and when it feels right, I’ll share the heavier lessons.

For now, here are seven ultra-light, ultra-positive lessons I learned from my father:

Oh, and I removed the word “Biological” from the title because it implied that I had or have an adoptive father, which is not the case. Growing up, I did have my maternal grandfather, a dog, and my Fender Stratocaster electric guitar, and I think these elements add up to a stable father figure. Right? Right?

Right?

Anyhow, yes, the lessons:

Lesson 1: Work ahead.
Lesson 2: Habitually follow up.
Lesson 3: Maintain a contacts database.
Lesson 4: Yawn imperceptibly.
Lesson 5: Exercise each day.
Lesson 6: Embrace irreverence.
Lesson 7: Sometimes, don’t color the wall.

Lesson 1: Work ahead.

When I was in primary school, my father always encouraged me to work ahead.

I vividly remember him driving me to a movie theatre on a Monday night in Panama City, Republic of Panama (where I grew up). During the drive, he asked me, in English, whether I had any homework coming up for the week.

“Yes,” I said. “I have a math assignment due on Thursday.”

“When are you planning to work on it?” he asked.

“Probably on Wednesday,” I said, “or maybe even on Thursday before class. It’s pretty easy.”

“Why don’t you work on it tonight? Or tomorrow?”

“Tonight? Tomorrow? It’s not due until Thursday!”

“I know, but if it’s really that easy, you can get it done sooner. If you get it done sooner, you’ll be free to do whatever you want to do on Wednesday and Thursday before class. You can even work ahead and finish the homework for future weeks. Imagine: You could finish all the homework for the entire semester in just a few weeks! Then, while your friends are still working on weekly homework, you will be free. The work will be done.”

“Good point. So what movie are we watching?”

This short conversation, for some reason, permanently shaped my approach to work. I always work ahead. Always.

Years later, when I was in college and graduate school, I often did the homework for a given class during or right after class. I then invested my newfound free time swimming, doing stand-up comedy, learning, sharing time with friends, going on dates, watching a movie, visiting a museum, playing music, writing, reading, resting, or doing whatever else I wanted to do. It was awesome. All thanks to this lesson.

Guidelines are suggestions, not limits.

This is worth repeating: Guidelines are suggestions, not limits.

If a professor assigns you homework that’s due in two weeks, know that you can work on it that same day if you so wish.

If your boss wants you to finish a task before the end of the week, know that you can report back at the end of the day having finished that task and a few others.

If someone says to you, “There is no way you can heal trauma, learn a new language, learn how to sing, reinvent your entire existence, make new friends, get in great physical shape, learn how to fight, improve your diet, process a painful loss, or do anything in a shorter timespan than most people,” please know that their perspective is shaped by their limited experiences, their limited observations, and the law of averages.

You are not average. There is no need for you to limit yourself.

Work ahead!

Lesson 2: Habitually follow up.

My father taught me to follow up with people and to make it a habit.

Whenever he met anyone he connected with, he would ask for their contact information. If they also connected with him and chose to share their information, he always followed up with a note thanking them for their time, for an enjoyable conversation, or for whatever he was genuinely grateful for.

I learned this lesson early in my life, and I have been applying it ever since.

Habitually follow up!

Following up should be your default setting. In other words, you don’t need a reason to follow up; you would need a clear reason to not follow up. If there’s no reason to not follow up, just do it. This has nothing to do with being an extrovert, socially bold, or “good at networking.” It’s simply a considerate habit, like greeting someone with a handshake.

Follow up with people you just connected with.

Follow up with people you connected with years ago.

Try to follow up as humanly as you feel is appropriate.

A handwritten letter is more human than an email, a gifted book with a handwritten note is more human than an online book recommendation, a call or voice note is more human than a text, and a face-to-face conversation is most human of all.

Accept that the other person might want a less human interaction than what you would prefer (or no interaction at all), and adjust accordingly.

Don’t feel bad about not following up with everyone you meet or have ever met. Just do your best; there’s no need to force anything. Remember to have fun.

Caution: If you habitually follow up, prepare to be dismissed or ignored. Prepare also to have unique, rich, diverse, wide, positive, fascinating, and international personal and professional networks. The apparent rejections are well worth it.

Habitually follow up!

P.S.: Do not be afraid to follow up with people you admire. It doesn’t matter if they’re great artists or award-winners or celebrities or billionaires or CEOs or whatever. They’re just people.

I have received email responses from Isabel Allende and the incomparable Derek Sivers. At a festival, I spoke with Shakey Graves about how he learned to play the guitar, and I told John Paul White that he gave me hope for the future of country music. At a Q&A, Jerry Seinfeld gave me some stand-up comedy advice. Marc Maron directly responded on his podcast to a question I had emailed him. Tomo Fujita, a fantastic musician and John Mayer’s guitar teacher at Berklee College of Music, made a full video responding to a letter I wrote him. After a showcase, I talked to Niko Moon about vocal harmonies and the Eagles. At a music industry event, I had a conversation with Natalia Lafourcade about how she perceives and interprets music. I have many more examples.

I am not special. I’m just polite, I say hi, and I follow up, regardless of whether I’m supposed to be intimidated. That is it.

By the way, I have been completely dismissed or ignored by some people I admire (and by some people in general), and that is okay, and it’s actually kind of funny. It’s all part of following up!

Lesson 3: Maintain a contacts database.

My father learned this from his father, who was a brilliant salesman.

According to my father, his father had a notebook where he would jot down all the names of friends and potential clients. He didn’t only jot down their names, though. He included their birthdays, where they worked, for whom, what they wanted, what they liked, how he’d met them, and anything else he considered to be important.

No wonder my paternal grandfather was a brilliant salesman!

Thankfully, he passed down this knowledge to my father, who then passed it down to me.

Few things (if any) have had a more positive impact on my social life than maintaining a contacts database. The best part about it is that this positive impact is readily available to you! All you have to do is maintain a contacts database. Easy.

If you already have a database, great; keep at it. If you don’t, that’s okay; you can start now.

It can be a spreadsheet (this is what I do), a notebook (I have a special calendar notebook where I keep the birthdays of many people I know), a Customer Relationship Management software, or anything else that works for you.

Let go of the notion that this is cold and calculating; it’s actually considerate, especially now that most people treat most other people as disposable digital products.

One caveat: Social media does not count.

You don’t own any information on social media; the platform does, and it sells it to advertisers for profit.

Moreover, social media is too convenient.

It requires little to no investment from others. It’s easy for them to tap on a screen and “connect” with or “follow” you. But can you actually have a conversation with them? Have lunch? Ask them for advice? Share time together? Have them respond to a call, text, or email? If you can’t have a real, direct interaction with them, then you don’t actually know them, and they’re not your contacts; they’re just witnesses or removed acquaintances.

Social media also requires little to no investment from you. It is much easier to “connect” with or “follow” someone than it is to have a real interaction with them, come to learn their birthday and write it down, discover what they want and what excites them, write down how you met and what you like about them, and actually make an effort to connect.

Plus, many awesome people don’t use social media!

So: Maintain a contacts database that isn’t a social media platform, and use it to follow up (see Lesson 2). This can only enrich your life.

P.S.: I do not wish to create the illusion that I am the perfect networker. My favorite mistakes are that time when I congratulated someone for doing something they didn’t actually do (there’s more context here, but still, wow, that was embarrassing) and that other time when I thought I could have a conversation while simultaneously sending an email, and I called the email person by the name of the conversation person and vice versa. Amazing. At least I learned my lessons, and I have amusing anecdotes.

Here’s a screenshot of the simple “Networking Database” spreadsheet I use.

Lesson 4: Yawn imperceptibly.

At the 2013 Panama Jazz Festival, I received a small but meaningful scholarship from Berklee College of Music.

After I went up on stage to collect the award, my father and a reporter from a Boston newspaper (I think it was The Boston Globe) were waiting for me backstage.

The reporter started to ask me basic questions like what my name was, how I felt about the festival and the award, and so on. The problem was that, back in those days, I had terrible insomnia. So, I was tired. Very tired. And I began to yawn. All throughout the interview, I yawned, and yawned, and yawned.

You may now take a few seconds to yawn.

After the interview, my father scolded me for yawning. I would have liked for him to also congratulate me on the award, but to each their own!

He told me how disrespectful my yawning was and how it made the reporter feel like he was boring. He proceeded to teach me the simple art of how to yawn imperceptibly: Close your mouth and take a deep, silent breath through your nose.

Oh, and no Boston newspaper ever published a piece about me, probably because I yawned. My father was right.

So: Yawn imperceptibly!

Most people can’t help but take yawns personally.

If you yawn during a work meeting, your boss will probably think you’re not interested.

If you yawn during a date, your date will probably feel uninteresting.

It doesn’t matter that you’re tired or truly bored. Close your mouth, take a deep, silent breath through your nose, and yawn imperceptibly.

Also, do your best to take care of your sleep.

I hope all this writing about yawning didn’t make you yawn perceptibly …

I highly recommend attending the Panama Jazz Festival. Full disclosure: I’m actually not that big a fan of jazz; I admire many jazz musicians, but the genre doesn’t resonate with me that much, for some reason. Still, I always enjoy this festival. It’s awesome, even for those of us who aren’t necessarily jazz fans.

Lesson 5: Exercise each day.

My father taught me to exercise each day.

Change your mind about exercise.

It is not something you do occasionally to relieve stress or look more attractive.

Exercise is literally part of your responsibility as a human.

Our species did not evolve to sit down and stare at screens.

Try to do some physical activity each day, however briefly. If you can’t do a hundred push-ups, do ten. Do five. You can literally start doing just one or two, and then build up from there. As long as you do some exercise during the day, you will have won the day, so celebrate!

Exercise for yourself and not to impress anyone.

If possible, find a coach who will help you make sure that you’re exercising with proper technique. This will save you from avoidable injuries (been there).

And here’s the secret to consistent exercising: Make sure you’re enjoying it!

For example, I don’t like the gym. I don’t like the music they play, I don’t like the posturing, I don’t like the selfies, I don’t like the culture, and I don’t like the overall vibe. If I were to force myself to go to the gym each day, I would do it for a week, and then I would stop exercising forever.

But I love to swim. I love to hike. I love to bike. I love yoga. I love strength-training in my room while listening to music I actually enjoy (special thanks to AC/DC, Eminem, and Rage Against the Machine). Since I enjoy what I do for exercise, it’s easy for me to do it each day, which helps keep me happy and healthy.

Exercise each day.

It’s pleasurable, and it’s good for you.

Enjoy!

P.S.: The whole “no pain, no gain” thing is mostly nonsense. If you exercise in a constant state of pain, stress, suffering, and straining, you will end up with a body that is pained, stressed, suffering, and strained, and you might even provoke a serious injury. You deserve to enjoy what you do for exercise. Of course there’s effort involved, but enjoyable effort and pain are very different things. In the long term, enjoyable effort is healthier and more effective.

Lesson 6: Embrace irreverence.

One of the few real bonding opportunities I had with my father was when we’d go to the movies. I always loved movies (still do), and we always had a great time.

There was, however, something about going to the movies with him that I sometimes enjoyed even more than the movies themselves.

Allow me to introduce you to humanity’s most noble creation: “The chemical fart,” known most commonly in English as “the stink bomb.”

A stink bomb, or peo químico in Spanish, is an incredible wonder of science. It is a small sealed glass ampoule that holds a liquid that smells, well, like a fart. Some might say it smells worse, way worse. Genius.

So, my father, being who he was, would sometimes enjoy releasing a stink bomb. Inside a closed movie theatre. In the middle of a movie.

This was his strategy: We would sit up front, close to the screen. Some minutes into the film, my father would inconspicuously crush the glass stink bomb under his shoe. At that moment, we would get up and find new seats in the theatre’s back rows. We would then chuckle as we observed entire families get out of their seats in order to escape the putrid smell.

I would like to use this sentence to apologize to all my friends in the film industry.

While this particular example of irreverence is borderline punishable by law, I do think that embracing irreverence is vital for life.

There are so many rules for so many things. So many. All of them are made up, many don’t make sense, and many are too rigid, e.g., not being allowed to laugh in a library, which makes it my favorite place for a good laugh.

So, if you’re not really hurting yourself or anyone else, maybe consider breaking a few rules.

It’s a lot of fun, and it’s liberating.

Embrace irreverence. And do it responsibly. Please don’t get sued.

Here’s a photo of Extreme Planet, one of the several movie theatres in Panama frequented by my father and I. Sadly, it is now permanently closed. Rumor has it that Extreme Planet went out of business due to a stink bomb. I’m kidding, of course, so that’s not true. I hope …

Lesson 7: Sometimes, don’t color the wall.

One of my earliest childhood memories is of me coloring the walls in my maternal grandparents’ house in Panama with my diverse collection of crayons.

I loved coloring that wall. I loved the feeling of seeing the wall be transformed from beige and boring into wild and colorful, all because of my crayons, my vision, my will, and my action. I loved being the cause of an effect in the world.

My mom always encouraged me to color that wall, and my dad always discouraged me. This would later become a metaphor of my life.

In a future essay, I will write about what I learned from my mom’s encouragement. In this lesson, however, I’d like to share what my father taught me through his discouragement: Sometimes, don’t color the wall.

Based on some things my father would say to discourage me, here is a short list of times when it might be better to not color the wall:

If it’s not your wall: If you’re an actor in a play that you agreed to be in, and if you think the play should have a different ending, this is the best course of action: Quit the play, or accept the current ending. It’s not your play; it’s the writer’s, and in other ways, it’s the director’s. Your job is to bring their vision to life, not rewrite the story. Trying to color someone else’s wall might come off as invasive or disrespectful.
If you don’t have permission: I cannot go into a presentation slide approved by my boss and change all of its design elements, just because I had a flash of inspiration. While the new slide might have great visuals, and it might be a wonderful expression of my creativity, it might also get me fired. If you don’t have permission to color a wall, consider the option of not doing so. You can always make your own wall and do with it as you wish.
If it’s not worth the trouble: Even if a wall is yours and you have permission to color it, sometimes it’s not worth the trouble. One example is the fact that I decided to not share the original draft of this essay. Coloring that wall in that way would not have been worth the trouble. Sometimes, it’s better to keep your colors to yourself, because the cons of expressing them can outweigh the pros.

There are countless other examples of this lesson, but the principle remains: Sometimes, it’s better to not color the wall.

All this writing about coloring walls made me think of *The Bedroom*, a painting by Vincent van Gogh.² In it, Van Gogh actually painted tiny portraits that hang on the wall inside the room featured in the painting. Very layered. I don’t know why these things mean so much to me.

Let’s review these seven ultra-light, ultra-positive lessons:

Given the darkness that makes up much of my personal history with my father, it is a joy to be able to rescue some rays of light.

I am grateful for these positive lessons, and I am grateful for the opportunity I have to share them.

Thank you, Lessons from my Father — Volume I!

And thank you to my father for making me swim since I was very young. Here’s a photo of me that was taken right after I **destroyed**³ other kids in a swimming competition (I don’t think I was well-liked after those races). As you can see, I have no teeth, but I’m smiling, maybe because of the medals (sorry, other kids). I haven’t competed since I was a kid, but swimming remains my favorite workout.

Notes

A part of me would like to be perceived as dark, profound, and intelligent, all because I have read Crime and Punishment. The truth is, it’s one of my least favorite books of all time. I thought it was so bad. Would never recommend it. My favorite Russian writer is Anton Chekhov. Now that guy was something else!
Van Gogh Museum, Amsterdam (Vincent van Gogh Foundation).
Good times.

Lessons from My Childhood Nanny

Manny Vallarino · January 20, 2023 ·

Mychildhood nanny, Paulina, is one of my favorite people ever. Those who did not grow up in Latin America as I did might not know just how important one’s nanny can be.

I hope the following lessons can help illustrate it.

Because when your school bus drops you off at home, and your mom is at work, and your maternal grandparents who live in the same house aren’t home or are busy, and you’re an only child, and your dog is devoid of any personality (sorry, Tiger; rest in peace) … guess who is home and available. That’s right: Paulina.

So, as far as I’m concerned, she is family.

Here are four lessons I learned from my childhood nanny, Paulina:

Lesson 1: Lying isn’t always bad.
Lesson 2: Assert your self.
Lesson 3: Novelty is overrated.
Lesson 4: Nurture the loves of people you love.

Lesson 1: Lying isn’t always bad.

When I was a kid, my biological father was, well, how to put it? “A little bit aggressive.” I think that’s a fair, diplomatic description.

Frankly, I deserve a diplomacy award for that.

Anyhow, for mysterious reasons, my biological father hated when I had café con leche, also known as coffee with milk. He hated it. I truly still don’t know why; he never gave any reason, which, in hindsight … is kind of funny. It’s like if I were to lose my temper and want to break stuff whenever my biological father eats a cookie.

One afternoon, I was enjoying a perfect cup of Panamanian café con leche that had been prepared by Paulina.¹ From my room, where she and I were hanging out, we heard the rumble of my biological father’s pickup truck followed by the metallic sound of the main door opening. Let’s put it this way: In those moments, “joy” was not the most present emotion.

Diplomacy award?

Paulina promptly took the half-full cup of café con leche from me and gave me a mint from the pack she always had on her.

My biological father entered the room as his best self, all smiles and charm. He mentioned he had to leave again and was just stopping by to say hi.

Then, he noticed the cup of café con leche in Paulina’s hand. His expression morphed. I felt doomed.

He asked Paulina, in Spanish: “He hasn’t been drinking any, has he?”

She replied, also in Spanish, as it would’ve been weird if she’d spoken in a language foreign to her: “No, no, ha, of course not. I’m drinking it! It’s been a long day. He just had lunch, and we were just talking.”

My biological father looked at her like an interrogator trying to figure out whether he was being lied to.

Thankfully … he was fooled.

He hugged me goodbye as my minty breath further fooled him, and he left.

First: I know professional actors who would not be able to match Paulina’s performance. It’s hard to transmit via the written word, but think of Al Pacino in the last scene of The Godfather, except female and significantly more Latin American.

Second, and most important: That was a good lie. As in, it was ethically good.

Any religion or moral code that claims lying is always bad is a religion or moral code that is unaware of the real world.

What would’ve happened had Paulina been honest? I would’ve been yelled at and insulted, or worse … but at least she would’ve been honest, and [insert deity or moral leader here] would have approved of her honesty! This is, of course, ridiculous.

I’m not implying it’s okay to lie any time the truth might have a negative consequence. Most times, the truth is the right path, regardless of how painful it might be. Sometimes, however, to tell the truth is to be naïve and inconsiderate, or even unethical.

Lying isn’t always bad. If done to protect someone, for example, it can actually be good.

Gracias, Mima.

Al Pacino channeling Paulina for the ominous final scene of The Godfather.

Lesson 2: Assert your self.

One early morning, when I was 12 years old, I awoke to screams.

At the time, I was living with my mom in the lower level of a two-level house, and the screams were coming from the upper level, where my grandparents and Paulina lived.

Oh, and someone else had recently moved into the upper level: María Elena [cue thunder and spooky church organ].

María Elena [thunder and spooky church organ] was a polite Colombian lady who had moved into my grandparents’ home to temporarily help with chores, but she managed to stay on as “second nanny” despite her complete lack of nanny skills.

She was not a good nanny, but she was something my grandma adored: Deeply, dogmatically, fanatically religious. So, she got the job. Who said the nanny world was a meritocracy?

Back to the screams: It was Paulina versus María Elena [thunder and spooky church organ]. The screams were unintelligible but so loud that I knew I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep again. So, I exited the lower level of the house and stepped onto the backyard to try to understand why I was awoken from yet another wonderful dream involving Shania Twain (it was a purely romantic dream, and I stand by it; Shania was my first and only celebrity crush).

From the backyard, I could finally understand the screams. This remains one of the most intrinsically comedic situations I have ever witnessed: Paulina was insulting María Elena [thunder and spooky church organ], while María Elena [thunder and spooky church organ] was trying to exorcise … yes … exorcise Paulina.

What follows is a PG-13 summary of what I heard. Each line is written in its original Spanish and is followed by its English translation. For a more realistic experience, simply add to Paulina’s lines as many curse words as you can:

Paulina: ¡Vieja loca, bruja, cállate la boca, cocobola, lárgate de aquí!

(Crazy old woman, witch, shut your mouth, bald-headed woman, get out of here!)

María Elena: ¡Sal, demonio; sal, sal y libera el alma perdida de esta mujer!

(Begone, demon; begone, begone, and free the lost soul of this woman!)

Paulina: ¡Sal tú misma, idiota; piérdete, diabla loca!

(You begone yourself, idiot; get lost, crazy female devil!)

What a life this is. Good times.

I later learned what had triggered this situation. Since María Elena [thunder and spooky church organ] was better at playing the politics game and manipulating my grandma via Bible verses, she was subtly trying to oust Paulina from the house.

Paulina would have none of it.

Hence, the screams and the exorcism.

The best part of it all? After this incident, María Elena [thunder and spooky church organ] never again messed with Paulina.

The lesson here is not necessarily that you should scream at people who try to exorcise you.

The lesson is that you should assert your self.

You are not doing anyone any favors if you enable disrespectful behavior. In fact, you are teaching your self how to be disrespected, and you are teaching other people that it’s okay to disrespect you and others, when it clearly isn’t.

Instead, you can calmly communicate and enforce your boundaries. You can rant in your journal, and then prepare to act in a more strategic manner. You might choose to distance your self from someone. You might internally assert that the most intelligent thing to do per your self’s long-term goals is to do nothing in the short term. You might have to use immediate physical force.

Whatever you choose to do or not do, you have to assert your self. Teach your self how to be respected, and teach others that being disrespectful is not okay.

Assert your self.

Gracias, Mima.

Sorry, María Elena … [thunder and spooky church organ].

J.S. Bach’s “Toccata and Fugue in D minor” is what I hear when I think of a spooky church organ. I encourage you to reread Lesson 2 with this in mind.

Lesson 3: Novelty is overrated.

Up until I graduated from secondary school in 2012,² each weekday, I would come home from school to Paulina and her classic pollo guisado con arroz, frijoles y tajadas, my favorite of her dishes.

By “my favorite of her dishes” I mean “her only dish.”

I think Paulina knew how to cook a total of three dishes, and those other two were usually for my grandpa, so 99% of the times I ate a Paulina dish, I ate the exact same one.

Yet … I never got bored with eating the same dish, over and over again, through weeks, months, years.

Why? Simple: I loved that dish. It was so good.

Paulina’s extremely limited cooking repertoire can teach us a lesson: Novelty is overrated! Her classic dish was tasty and healthy. Why would I need to try anything else?

I’ve applied this lesson to other realms of life:

In my artistic life, I am often tempted to begin a new project instead of continuing to discover one I’ve already begun. There is nothing wrong with trying new things, especially in the arts, but I’ve learned that whenever I feel a compulsion for novelty in this realm, it usually means I’m either afraid of facing what I’m already working on or have forgotten to enjoy what I’m doing. The solution, then, is often to go deeper into what I’m already doing … and to remember to have fun!
I’m a one-woman man and have always been at heart. I’m a romantic. If we ever watch the film Midnight in Paris together, prepare to see me weep.³ However, due to adverse childhood experiences, I became convinced and for years believed and embodied that being a one-woman man, i.e., myself, would’ve made me a not-real man, which would’ve made my biological father be ashamed of me, which would’ve made me unworthy of being alive. Ah, yes, the wonders of manhood! Fortunately, thanks to distance from my biological father, therapy, and more, I was able to let go of this inauthentic cognitive-behavioral pattern years ago, and I don’t feel like I miss out on anything by choosing to only be in meaningful, committed relationships.
I had the opportunity to attend graduate school, and, as part of my graduate program, I had to find and complete three internships. I did all three with the same company, Sony Music Entertainment. Some career advisors said I was making a mistake. They said I should experiment and take risks instead of “settling” for one company. Their intentions were good, but they were missing the point: If I’m happy at work and enjoy the company and people I’m working with, why would I leave, just to see what’s out there? That makes no sense to me.

In most realms of life, “new” isn’t necessarily better than “good.”

Novelty is overrated.

Gracias, Mima.

Have I mentioned Shania Twain? Honestly, can you blame me for having had a crush on her? Such a stunning, gifted woman. Here’s another video of her performing “You’re Still The One”. Of course, I later learned that it’s not a good idea to have a crush on someone you don’t know based on limited positive impressions,⁴ but hey, I was 12! So: Thank you, Shania. Also, her bass player is the most relaxed human being I have ever seen.

Lesson 4: Nurture the loves of people you love.

Growing up in Panama City, Republic of Panama, my favorite TV show was Disney’s Art Attack.

Art Attack was an interactive TV show where Mexican host and one of my childhood heroes, Rui Torres, would teach, step-by-step, how to make arts and crafts.⁵

I loved Art Attack and would work on its projects all through the day and into the night with the help of my co-creator: Paulina.

This woman was not getting paid to help a kid make arts and crafts off a TV show. She could have easily chosen to take a nap instead of helping me paint a walrus (true story). Yet, she didn’t. She chose to go out of her way to nurture this love of mine, in part because I think she could see how much it meant to me.

After one particular episode of Art Attack, my sole purpose in life became to create a dinosaur fossil like the one I had just seen Rui Torres create. To achieve this, I needed cardboard, a pencil, scissors, tape, water, glue, and … sand.

Where was I to find large quantities of sand in the outskirts of Panama City, far from either ocean? I don’t know … and I still don’t know. All I know is that Paulina, having learned of my quest, showed up one afternoon with a bag of sand.

Like a mafia boss, I asked no questions.

She then helped me create the fossil. We cut out the fossil shapes I had drawn onto cardboard, taped them together as needed, glued them onto a large and uncut piece of cardboard, covered the surface of the emerging fossil with watered-down glue, and, gloriously, dropped the sand on the sticky surface. We carried the sand-filled fossil to the backyard, shook it, the extra sand fell away, and voilà: Art!

Behold! Art Attack Fossil Project by Me & Paulina, circa the early 2000s.

I have certainly made mistakes as a family member, friend, student, boyfriend, collaborator, colleague, and, well, as a human being. There is, however, at least one thing I’m sure I have always done right: I have always nurtured the loves of people I’ve loved.

If someone I care about is passionate about something, I will go out of my way to buy them a class, a book, tickets, or whatever I feel will most nurture their love, while wholly supporting and helping them in any way I can.

I’d like to think I do this because I’m super special and blessed by the heavens. The truth is I do this because, early in life, I learned how to. I learned from my mom, from my maternal grandparents, and, of course: I learned from Paulina.

So, nurture the loves of people you love. You have no concept of how much it might mean to them.

Gracias, Mima.

To review, here are four lessons I learned from my childhood nanny, Paulina:

Lesson 1: Lying isn’t always bad.
Lesson 2: Assert your self.
Lesson 3: Novelty is overrated.
Lesson 4: Nurture the loves of people you love.

As of this writing, Paulina is, thankfully, still alive. Though we live in separate countries, we often speak on the phone. She has been struggling with health issues for the past few years, and, since she sometimes can’t afford to have a doctor check on her, my mom and I do our best to help her.

You see, Paulina comes from an extremely humble background in Panama. In Panamanian society and most other societies, including the United States, she might be described as “lower-class.”

I take issue with this terminology because it implicitly equates social or economic “status” with “class.”

For example, Paulina was always good to me, and my biological father was often abusive towards me.⁶ In fact, she often protected me from him. Yet, since my biological father has a pretty surname and always knew how to wear a suit, he was bizarrely perceived as a respectable, “upper-class” member of society, whereas Paulina, who is a beautiful human being, was always perceived as “lower-class.” Cool, right?⁷

Bonus lesson: Social or economic “status” have nothing to do with “class.”

I am not claiming that everyone who is perceived as “lower-class” is classy and everyone who is perceived as “upper-class” is not; such a claim would be as extreme and untrue as its opposite.

I do assert this: Paulina is pure class.

She is living proof that true class has nothing to do with status, appearance, prestige, money, rhetoric, or formal education. It has to do with being the best human being one can be, moment to moment; making inevitable mistakes but owning and learning from them, and doing as much good as one can, with love, compassion for oneself and others, and the best possible intentions.

I will continue to help Paulina in any way I can, though I have no idea how I could ever repay all she has done for me.

Perhaps I can start by translating this essay into Spanish and finding a way to have her read or listen to it, so at least she’s aware of how much she means to me.

Gracias, Mima.

Paulina and I at her home in the outskirts of Panama City, Republic of Panama, circa 2020. Note the height difference. Note also that I’m subtly trying to make myself shorter. This is because being taller than Paulina still feels bizarre to me: I actually remember her bathing me in a tub when I was still a baby. From my baby perspective, she was a giant. Lastly, if you look through the purple shirt and into Paulina’s soul, you will notice she has been partially exorcised.⁸

Notes

I no longer drink coffee (anxiety don’t need no help!), but if I did, I wouldn’t drink it from any of the popular coffee chains in the United States, where I live as of this writing. Why? Panamanian coffee in general and Paulina’s coffee in particular is just too good. When it comes to coffee, I was spoiled.
Special thanks to the school I attended for pre-kinder, kinder, primary school, and secondary school: Colegio Episcopal de Panamá, where I learned so much and so little, both in the best way.
Midnight in Paris is a perfect film (and script). It is at once funny and beautiful. The ending gets me every time.
For more on this, research “the halo effect” and stop making important personal and professional decisions based on limited positive impressions, e.g., charm, beauty, a particular skill, attractiveness, prestige, a single personality trait, reputation, etc. I have made these mistakes so that you don’t have to!
I don’t mean to play the grumpy old man, but what happened to positive screen-based entertainment for children? I’m grateful to have been a kid in the 1990s and 2000s, right before the internet and media got out of control.
I have made these factual references to my biological father and my relationship with him because they’re important to this essay and to why I’m so grateful for Paulina, not because I want to trash him. By the way, his childhood was arguably worse than mine. Also: Why do so many people make so many mistakes so often? Are they all born dumb, crazy, or evil? Do they develop in a vacuum? All of them? Really? Does a society share no responsibility in the sins of so many of its members? How many Fast & Furious movies can they possibly make? These are the important questions.
Way too much of our societal value system is derived from the questionable “science” of economics, but that’s a fun topic for another time!
… María Elena [thunder and spooky church organ].